It's Quite Less Miserable
by The Orange Radish
Summary: If only Les Miserables could have been sprinkled with some humour...or a lot of humour... Based off of the school edition version of the musical. Complete
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, sadly. Nothing except for the audience members. And even they are trying to sue for their own rights.**

SCENE 1: PROLOGUE  
  
In Which Valjean Gets No Party and the Bishop Turns Hip

**CONVICTS:  
**LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN  
AT ALL THIS PRETTY DIRT  
WHY DO  
I HAVE  
A HUGE HOLE IN MY SHIRT?

**JAVERT:  
**NOW BRING ME PRISONER 24601  
YOUR TIME IS UP AND YOUR PAROLE'S BEGUN  
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

**24601:  
**Yes, I get to have one of those going away parties! You know, like a retirement party, except I'm not re-

**JAVERT:  
**NO!  
IT MEANS YOU GET YOUR YELLOW TICKET OF LEAVE-

**24601:  
**...and I get to go visit Willy Wonka! This is _better_ than a party!  
I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET, I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE-

**JAVERT:  
**Wrong musical, fool!  
It is a parole ticket. You show it to anyone who would ever dream of hiring you so that it diminishes your chances of getting a job to about negative 5, thus making you have no money and needing to steal all over again so that you come back here. This way we at the jails don't have to hire any real workers!

**24601:  
**All I did was steal some bread so that my starving sister would not be hungry!

**JAVERT:  
**No excuse!  
Cannibalism is always an option, but breaking the law is _not_!

**24601:  
**Wait, isn't cannibalism illegal too?

**JAVERT:  
**...  
Get out of my sight, 24601!

**24601:  
**MY NAME IS JEAN VALJEAN!

**JAVERT:  
**AND I AM... JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!*  
DO NOT FORGET ME!  
DO NOT FORGET MY NAME, 24601!  
(Walks out in a huff, pushing down random prisoner instead of politely walking around him. _Someone_ got up on the wrong side of the prison warden bunk today...)

**24601 (or, VALJEAN as we will now call him):  
**DRINK FROM THE POOL, HOW CLEAN THE-  
Ergh! Chlorine!  
I think I should go find a job now.

**VALJEAN:  
**Will you hire me?

**FARMER LADY:  
**I-

**VALJEAN:  
**Wait! Let me stupidly hand you my parole ticket!

**FARMER LADY:  
**Well, now. This changes things. You can work here, but only for a short 5 second musical interval. Seeing as you are a thief that probably can't be trusted. And I have to do my duty in making sure that the prisons don't run out of free workers!

**VALJEAN:  
**Excellent!

He happily picks invisible weeds** for 4 seconds. FARMER LADY lied.

**FARMER LADY:  
**Alright, get out!  
(Rudely throws money and ticket at him. Jeez, what's with all these grumpy people?)

**FARMER LADY'S SLAVES:  
**(Walk out mumbling something about how insignificant their parts are)

**VALJEAN:  
**Now I'm sad.

**BISHOP:  
**(conveniently popping up out of nowhere)  
'Sup, hobo! Let me stuff your face with stale bread and grapes while talking about how humble I am yet simultaneously tempting you with my PRETTY SILVER!

**VALJEAN:  
**(Grabs silver)  
Ha! Stupid Bishop. I steal things from nice people!  
(sung very high)  
RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**VILLAGERS:  
**(also conveniently popping up out of nowhere)  
AH! SCARY MAN WITH SILVER!!  
(chaos ensues)

**MEG GIRY:** ***  
The Phantom of the Opera! He's here!

**VILLAGERS:  
**...

**POLICE 1# WHO IS NOT JAVERT:  
**TELL HIS REVERENCE YOUR STORY

**POLICE 2# WHO IS ALSO NOT JAVERT:  
**LET US SEE IF HE'S IMPRESSED!

**POLICE 1#:  
**YOU WERE LODGING HERE LAST NIGHT

**POLICE 2#:  
**YOU WERE THE HONEST BISHOP'S GUEST

**POLICE 1#:  
**AND THEN OUT OF CHRISTIAN GOODNESS

**POLICE 2#:  
**WHEN HE LEARNED ABOUT YOUR PLIGHT

**POLICE 1#:  
**YOU MAINTAIN HE MADE A PRESENT OF THIS SILVER

**BISHOP:  
**Psyche!

**POLICE 2#:  
**That doesn't rhyme.

**BISHOP:  
**It's part of my new ultra-hip attitude.

**POLICE 2#:  
**Ah...

**BISHOP:  
**Anyhoo, I _did_ give this to him as a gift. He just left before I could give him the rest of my life's savings!  
(hands life's savings to Valjean. Hey, that's kind of funny... in giving him his life's savings, he was actually doing some "life saving!" hahahahahaha... oh never mind.)  
So you all can skedaddle now.

**POLICE 1#:  
**I got up at three in the morning for _this_...  
(exits with other dude and villagers)

**BISHOP:  
**(to Valjean)  
Good luck in life, buddy!  
(exits)

**VALJEAN:  
**This silver has made me see the light! I will start my life anew! Let me epically rip up this parole ticket!

**PAROLE TICKET:  
**Ahhh! Help me!  
(Cries of protest are ignored. Gets ripped up.)

*The main reason Javert announces his name is because he just has a lot of fun saying it.  
** These are an invasive species only known to France. Very hard to get rid of, for obvious reasons.  
*** From the Phantom of the Opera.

a/n: I was informed by one of my friends that the whole "*sung very highly* "RUNNNNN!" part was also used in another parody… I was not aware of this… so then I checked out the parody and it is actually quite hilarious. So, anyway, I suppose the whole "sung very highly" is copyright to them. I can;t figure out how to put the link in here, sadly.


	2. At The End of the Day

**SCENE 2: AT THE END OF THE DAY*  
**  
In Which Donald Trump Makes a Guest Appearance

Ten years have passed.**

**FACTORY WORKERS:  
**AT THE END OF THE DAY WE'RE ALL FEELING REAL SOUR  
AND OUR FACES ARE STUCK IN A PERMENANT FROWN  
GRUMPY PEOPLE  
ALL AROUND  
'CAUSE WE HAVE ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES  
AND WE ALL  
WEAR UGLY COLORS  
LIKE WHITE AND BROWN  
WE HATE OUR JOB MAKING... TISSUES

**FOREMAN:  
**Money time!

**STAMPEDE OF PEOPLE:  
**(charge towards the table with the box of money on it)

**FACTORY GIRL 1#:  
**Look! Fantine has a letter!

**STAMPEDE OF PEOPLE:  
**(charge other way, towards Fantine)

**FACTORY GIRL 2#:  
**(Grabs and reads letter)  
DEAREST FANTINE  
YOU MUST SEND US MORE MONEY  
YOUR CHILD NEEDS A DOCTOR  
THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE!

**FANTINE:  
**May I just point out that it is terribly rude to read other people's mail?

**FACTORY GIRL 2#:  
**Oh no you didn't!

**FANTINE and FACTORY GIRL 2#:  
**(get into an interesting cat-fight while everyone else just kind of stands and watches.)

**VALJEAN:  
**(walks in wearing a funny suit which is a little confusing)  
WHAT IS THIS FIGHTING ALL ABOUT-

**FOREMAN:  
**You seriously couldn't just hear all that? Are you deaf?

**VALJEAN:  
**WILL SOMEONE TEAR THESE TWO APART  
THIS IS A FACTORY NOT A CIRCUS-

**FOREMAN:  
**Although I'm sure if it was both, things would be a lot more cheerful around here.

**VALJEAN:  
**NOW COME ON LADIES SETTLE DOWN  
I RUN A BUSINESS OF REPUTE  
I AM THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**How did _that_ happen?

**VALJEAN:  
**I LOOK TO YOU TO SORT THIS OUT  
AND BE AS PATIENT AS YOU CAN-

**FOREMAN:  
**NOW SOMEONE SAY HOW THIS BEGAN!

**VALJEAN:  
**You know, you are actually not a very patient guy. You've interrupted everything-

**FOREMAN:  
**DO NOT!

**VALJEAN:  
**(exits, because he is certain that his foreman will solve everything perfectly and justly. He really needs to get to know his employee's better.)

**FACTORY WOMEN 1#:  
**Fantine is BAD! Send her away!

**FACTORY WORKERS:  
**(are clueless)  
...YEAH!

**FANTINE:  
**What the heck did I even do?

**FOREMAN:  
**...receive MAIL!  
Plus, you have a child, which somehow makes you a prostitute.

**FANTINE:  
**But she is dying and I need to send her money because she doesn't actually live with me because I hate children! Instead, she lives with an innkeeper who I obviously did no background check on!

**FOREMAN:  
**She's dying? Even better! So-

**DONALD TRUMP:  
**You're fired!

**FOREMAN:  
**…Hey, that was my line!

**FANTINE:  
**(Starts crying)

**FOREMAN:  
**Here, have a tissue.

**EVERYONE that is not FANTINE:  
**(exits)

*Personally, I like the Forbidden Broadway lyrics: "At the end of the play see the audience smolder/sitting flat on their butts for three hours or more/they can't wait to get on home/and read the Libretto in bed/to decipher what on earth that we did/and what we said/...in the readers synopsis."  
**Apparently, the only way to show time passage is play some twinkly music so that the audience just sits there, clueless.


	3. I Dreamed a Dream

**SCENE 3: I DREAMED A DREAM**

In Which Fantine Sings a Completely Pointless Song

**FANTINE:  
**I DREAMED A DREAM  
THAT 50 SHEEP  
JUMPED OVERTOP OF  
A REALLY LARGE GATE  
AND THEN A TALKING MUSHROOM  
STARTED TO WEEP  
AND I ASKED HIM WHY AND HE SAID  
HIS NAME WAS NATE  
SO THEN NATE AND I DECIDED TO GO ON  
A TRIP TO CANDY MOUNTAIN  
THERE WE SAW A UNICORN  
AND A GIGANTIC BIRD  
AND WE SPLASHED AROUND  
IN A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN...  
AND THAT WAS THE DREAM  
I HAD LAST NIGHT

Alright, now that I'm done singing that totally irrelevant song, it's time to pick out a job.

(after 10 seconds of job hunting)

There seem to be no other jobs in the universe besides tissue-making. Better take up prostitution!


	4. The Docks

**SCENE 4: THE DOCKS**

In Which a Man is Revealed to be Allergic to Pie and Javert Reappears

**SAILORS:  
**(inappropriate lines)

**PROSTITUTES:  
**(even more inappropriate lines)

**OLD LADY:  
**(pops up out of nowhere; the French seem to be very good at this)  
Get over here, girl, and let me chop off all your hair with these rusty scissors that will probably give you tetanus.

**FANTINE:  
**Okey dokey!

**FANTINE and OLD LADY:  
**(exit)

**SAILORS:  
**(not PG rated things)

**PROSTITUTES:  
**(cringe)

**FANTINE:  
**(re-enters with a really bad haircut and dying of tetanus and other various things)  
C'MON CAPTAIN  
YOU CAN WEAR YOUR SHOES  
DON'T IT MAKE A CHANGE TO HAVE A GIRL WHO CAN'T REFUSE

**CAPTAIN:  
**Get away from me, diseased baldy.

**SHINY SUIT GUY:  
**(another one of those who pop up out of nowhere)  
HERE'S SOMETHING NEW  
I THINK I'LL GIVE IT A TRY  
Oh, the things theater makes us do...

**SAILORS/PROSTITUTES:  
**You think _you_ have it bad?

**SHINY SUIT GUY:  
**COME CLOSER YOU  
I LIKE TO SEE WHAT I BUY  
THE USUAL PRICE  
FOR JUST ONE SLICE OF YOUR PIE  
Actually, I'm allergic to pie.

**FANTINE:  
**You're allergic to _pie_? GET AWAY FROM ME, CREEP! I DON'T WANT TO CATCH ANYTHING!

**AUDIENCE:  
**Aren't you already dying of every disease out there? What more can happen to you?

**FANTINE:  
**I BITE YOU NOW!

**SHINY SUIT GUY:  
**OWWW!!!! MOMMY!!!

**JAVERT:  
**Never fear, I am here.

**SHINY SUIT GUY:  
**Uh, you're not my mom!

**AUDIENCE:  
**Hey, it's that guy from the beginning! He's back!

**JAVERT:  
**TELL ME QUICKLY  
WHAT'S THE STORY  
WHO SAW WHAT AND WHY AND WHERE  
LET HIM GIVE A FULL DISCRIPTION  
LET HIM ANSWER TO... JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!*

**FANTINE:  
**Well aren't you Mr. Nosy!

**JAVERT  
**Stay out of this, you vile being!

**SHINY SUIT GUY:  
**Look what she did to my face, Inspector!  
(points to invisible cut that only Javert can see)

**JAVERT:  
**Ah, yes. Quite nasty.

**SHINY SUIT GUY:  
**I know, right? Totally epic.

**JAVERT:  
**(pointing to Fantine)  
JAIL!

**FANTINE:  
**This really just isn't my day.

**JAVERT:  
**HONEST WORK  
JUST REWARD  
THAT'S THE WAY TO PLEASE THE LORD

**FANTINE:  
**Wait, so I get a reward at the end of all of this? Oh goody!

**JAVERT:  
**Yes. Death.

**FANTINE:  
**Oh. Bummer.

**VALJEAN:  
**(heroically popping up out of nowhere)  
STOP in the name of the LAW!

**JAVERT:  
**I _am_ the law, old man.

**VALJEAN:  
**…  
STOP in the name of the MAYOR! Which is ME!

**FANTINE:  
**Le gasp! It's that mayor that I hate! I HATE YOU, MAYOR! (because that's a surefire way to get me out of jail!)

**JAVERT:  
**Insulting the MAYOR?!?!  
JAIL!

**FANTINE:  
**I NEVER DID NO WRONG  
MY CHILD'S CLOSE TO DYING  
IF THERE'S A GOD ABOVE  
HE'D LET ME DIE INSTEAD!

**VALJEAN:  
**I WILL SEE IT DONE!

**FANTINE:  
**Wait, I was kidding! I don't _really_ want to die! I was being dramatic!

**JAVERT:  
**BUT MONSIEUR MAYOR!

**VALJEAN:  
**I WILL SEE IT DONE!

**JAVERT:  
**BUT MONSIEUR MAYOR!

**VALJEAN:  
**I WILL SEE IT DONE!

**FANTINE:  
**Um, guys-

**JAVERT:  
**BUT MONSIEUR MAYOR!

**VALJEAN:  
**I WILL SEE IT DONE!

**FANTINE:  
**SHUT UP ALREADY!

*As you can see, if Javert has a chance to say his name, he will. It kind of makes everyone else wish they had a name like that.


	5. The Cart Crash

**SCENE 5: THE CART CRASH  
**  
In Which an Old Man Breaks his Spleen and Valjean Goes Senile

**VILLAGERS (but not the same ones from Scene 1):  
**Blah blah blah blah blah- OMG! IT'S A CART THAT IS MOVING VERY SLOWLY AND FALLING APART! LOOK OUT EVERYONE!

**CART:  
**(runs over old man who is apparently deaf)  
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

**OLD MAN:  
**Help me! My spleen!

**JAVERT:  
**This is bad.

**VALJEAN:*  
**IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO WILL RESCUE THIS MAN?

**CRICKETS:  
**Chirp! Chirp!

**VALJEAN:  
**C'mon! Anyone!

**VILLAGER 1#:  
**I mean, I would, but I've got something to do...

**VALJEAN:  
**What?

**VILLAGER 1#:  
**Um, you know, nothing...  
(quickly exits)

**VILLAGERS 2#, 3#, and 4#:  
**Yea, us too...  
(quickly exit as well)

**VALJEAN:  
**...anyone?

**JAVERT:  
**There is only one dude who can lift that cart. And he is not here. Sorry.

**VALJEAN:  
**You are so incredibly helpful.

**JAVERT:  
**I try.

**VALJEAN:  
**(exasperated sigh)  
Looks like I have to be the hero_ again_...  
(dramatically lifts cart made of plywood while dramatic music plays in the background dramatically)

**JAVERT:  
**Good golly! The only other person I know who can dramatically lift a cart that is made of plywood like that is Jean Valjean, the escaped convict! But no worries, it can't be you, because we have a guy who looks nothing like Valjean yet must be him in court today. Toodloo!  
(exits with villagers and old man who can magically walk)

**AUDIENCE:  
**Epic fail, Javvie. Epic fail.

**VALJEAN:  
**(breaks into song)  
WHO AM I??

**PASSING VILLAGER 1#:  
**Um, aren't you the mayor?

**VALJEAN:  
**CAN I CONDEM THIS MAN TO SLAVERY  
PRETEND I DO NOT FEEL HIS AGONY  
THIS INNOCENT WHO BEARS MY FACE  
WHO GOES TO JUDGEMENT IN MY PLACE  
WHO AM I??

**PASSING VILLAGER 1#:  
**(starting to get scared)  
You're the mayor!

**PASSING VILLAGER 2#:  
**(whispering)  
Just ignore him... those old folk always tend to go senile...

**VALJEAN:  
**CAN I CONCEAL MYSELF FOREVERMORE  
PRETEND I'M NOT THE MAN I WAS BEOFRE  
AND MUST MY NAME UNTIL I DIE  
BE NO MORE THAN AN ALIBI  
MUST I LIE??

**PASSING VILLAGER 3#:  
**What _is_ he talking about?

**VALJEAN:  
**HOW CAN I EVER FACE MY FELLOW MEN?

**PASSING VILLAGER 1# (who isn't actually passing anymore, now they are standing and watching):  
**That's easy. Just look around until you see someone.

**VALJEAN:  
**HOW CAN I EVER FACE MYSELF AGAIN?

**PASSING-YET-NOT-PASSING VILLAGER 2#:  
**Well, for this one, you need a mirror.

**VALJEAN:  
**MY SOUL BELONGS TO GOD  
I KNOW I MADE THAT BARGAIN LIKE 5 SONGS AGO  
HE GAVE ME HOPE WHEN HOPE WAS GONE  
HE GAVE ME STRENGTH TO JOURNEY ON  
WHO AM I??

**PASSING-YET-NOT-PASSING VILLAGER 1#:  
**Oh no here we go again...

**VALJEAN:  
**(sprints to the nearest courtroom)

**PASSING-YET-NOT-PASSING VILLAGERS 1#, 2#, 3#:  
**…

**VALJEAN:  
**WHO AM I??

**COURTROOM PEOPLE:  
**…

**JAVERT:  
**I'm confused.

**VALJEAN:  
**I'M JEAN VALJEAN!  
(rips open shirt to reveal "24601" written on his chest)

**JAVERT:  
**INDECENCY!  
JAIL!

**VALJEAN:  
**(sung very highly)  
RUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**FALSELY ACCUSED DUDE:  
**(does victory dance, but then is forced to carry the courtroom props offstage)

~~~~~~  
*We're not really sure where Fantine went. She evaporated.

Review, people! Please!!


	6. Fantine's Death

**SCENE 6: FANTINE'S DEATH**

In Which Javert Runs Long Distances and an Epic Duet is Performed

**FANTINE:  
**COSETTE, IT'S TURNED SO COLD-

**NUN:  
**(kicks radiator)  
I think it's broken.

**FANTINE:  
**Oh. Well, that explains it.

**VALJEAN:  
**(runs in)  
Fantine! You're dying!

**FANTINE:  
**Thanks.

**VALJEAN:  
**Is there anything I can do?

**FANTINE:  
**RAISE MY CHILD WITH LOVE...

**VALJEAN:  
**The one you sent away? Well, um, I'm not very good with kids-

**FANTINE:  
**(gets wooshed up to Heaven.  
Probably.  
Purgatory at least.)

**VALJEAN:  
**OK then.

**JAVERT:  
**(runs in)  
VALJEAN... (pants) …AT LAST... (struggles for air)  
Um, can I catch my breath first? I just ran all the way here from the court house.

**VALJEAN:  
**Totally. And BTW, Javvie, now is not the best time. I just became a father.

**JAVERT:  
**…

**VALJEAN:  
**Yup.  
(5 seconds pass)

**JAVERT:  
**OK I'm good.  
VALJEAN, AT LAST  
WE SEE EACH OTHER PLAIN  
MONSIEUR "LE MAYOR"  
YOU'LL WEAR A DIFFERENT CHAIN-

**VALJEAN:  
**Oh good. Can it be orange this time? Because "Rusty Silver" is an ugly color.

**JAVERT:  
**...No.

**VALJEAN:  
**Well, that's ok, 'cause I ain't going anyway! (hey, that totally rhymed!)

**JAVERT:*.................................................................................... VALJEAN:*  
**MEN LIKE YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE .............................................BELIEVE OF ME WHAT YOU WILL  
MEN LIKE YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE .............................................THERE IS A DUTY THAT I'M SWORN TO DO  
NO, 24601 ...................................................................................YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY LIFE  
MY DUTY'S TO THE LAW ................................................................ALL I DID WAS STEAL SOME BREAD  
YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS ..................................................................YOU KNOW NOTHING OF THE WORLD  
COME WITH ME 24601 .................................................................YOU WOULD SOONER SEE ME DEAD  
NOW THE WHEEL HAD TURNED AROUND ......................................BUT NOT BEFORE I SEE THIS JUSTICE DONE  
JEAN VALJEAN IS NOTHING NOW ..................................................I AM WARNING YOU JAVERT  
DARE YOU TALK TO ME OF CRIME .................................................I'M A STRONGER MAN BY FAR  
EVERY MAN IS BORN OF SIN .........................................................THERE IS POWER IN ME YET  
EVERY MAN MUST CHOOSE HIS WAY ............................................MY RACE IS NOT YET RUN  
YOU KNOW NOTHING OF... JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!** .....................I AM WARNING YOU JAVERT  
I WAS BORN INSIDE A JAIL*** ....................................................THERE IS NOTHING I WON'T DARE  
I WAS BORN WITH SCUM LIKE YOU .............................................IF I HAVE TO KILL YOU HERE****  
I AM FROM THAT GUTTER TOO! ....................................................I'LL DO WHAT MUST BE DONE!

**AUDIENCE:  
**(applause)

**VALJEAN:  
**(to Fantine)  
AND THIS I SWEAR TO YOU TONIGHT- wait, why am I talking to a dead person?

**JAVERT:  
**IDK. Now get over here so I can tie you up, criminal.

**VALJEAN:  
**Look, I'll be back in 3 days... or so. I promise!

**JAVERT:  
**NEVER!

**VALJEAN:  
**(knocks Javert unconscious with random table leg.)

**UNCONSCIOUS JAVERT:  
**Ow.

**VALJEAN:  
**(sung very highly)  
ESSCAAAAAAAAAPE!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~  
*This part is just epic.  
**There we go again...  
***Well that's rather depressing.  
****Yup, Valjean, up to his normal friendliness as usual


	7. Little Cosette

**SCENE 7: LITTLE COSETTE**

In Which the Thenardiars Don't get Indoor Plumbing

**MIDGET GIRL WHO IS PROBABLY LITTLE COSETTE:  
**I HAVE A CASTLE ON A CLOUD  
WHICH IS REALLY IMPOSSIBLE  
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH  
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH  
I AM VERY SAAAAAAAAD

**MADAME THENARDIAR:  
**Slave girl! Get over here and clean up this drunken customer's puke!

**AUDIENCE:  
**HA HA HA! WE LOVE THE THENARDIARS! CHILD ABUSE IS FUNNY!*

**LITTLE COSETTE:  
**I hate life.

**MADAME THENARDIAR:  
**GO AND FETCH SOME WATER FROM THE WELL IN THE WOODS

**LITTLE COSETTE:  
**PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ALL ALONE  
NOT IN THE DARKNESSS ON MY OWN

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Is everything she says to that tune?

**MADAME THENARDIAR:  
**Eponine, get in here.

**LITTLE EPONINE:  
**(enters in a Little Blue Hat)

**LITTLE BLUE HAT:  
**(is ugly)

**LITTLE EPONINE:  
**(exits because her part in this song is pretty much pointless)

**MADAME THENARDIAR:  
**(to Cosette)  
Didn't I tell you to leave?

**LITTLE COSETTE:  
**Why do we even have a well in the woods? Why didn't we build it closer to the house, or get indoor plumbing? At least get bottled water.

**MADAME THENARDIAR:  
**ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!!

**LITTLE COSETTE:  
**(very high pitched)**  
SHHHHRRRIIIIIEEEEEKKKK!!!!!!  
(exits)

~~~~~~  
*No offense to any audience members. I love 'em too.  
**See? She and Valjean are perfect for each other.

Review! Do it now!!!


	8. The Innkeepers' Song

**SCENE 8: THE INNKEEPER'S SONG**

In Which the Audience is Highly Entertained

(to a customer)  
Here, eat this rat!

MASTER THENARDIAR:

**DRUNKEN CUSTOMER 1#:  
**Yummy!

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**(to a different yet just as drunk customer)  
Here, eat this shoe!

**DRUNKEN CUSTOMER 2#:  
**Delish!

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**That'll be 1 billion dollars.

**DRUNKEN CUSTOMER 2#:  
**Okey dokey!  
(forks over everything they own)

**AUDIENCE:  
**LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH!!!!!

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**(to yet another drunken customer; why does this guy get so much business?)  
Let me take your purse! It'll be safe in my hands!

**DRUNKEN CUSTOMER 3#:  
**Here ya go!

**AUDIENCE:  
**THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER!!!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Actually, this happens to me _all_ the time...

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**MONEY MONEY MONEY  
MUST BE FUNNY  
IN A RICH MAN'S WORLD-

**MADMAE THENARDIAR:  
**No. Just... don't.  
My husband is a lazy fool that I absolutely hate. I probably shouldn't tell him that, of course, because he is the source of income to me and I'd be dying on the streets if it weren't for him.

**DRUNKEN CUSTOMERS:  
**HA HA HA *hic*HA HA HA  
(one falls off his chair)

**LITTLE EPONINE:  
**(reappearing out of nowhere)  
My parents let me drink alcohol.

**MASTER THENARDIAR, MADAME THENARDIAR, and LITTLE EPONINE:  
**WE ARE A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY!

**AUDIENCE:  
**HA HA HA! YAY! DYSFUNCTIONALNESS!

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**(to customers)  
ALRIGHT, BAR'S CLOSED, GET OUT!


	9. The Bargain

**SCENE 9: THE BARGAIN**

In Which Cosette Gets a Present

**VALJEAN:  
**(popping up out of nowhere yet again)  
Gimme Cosette.

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**Um, but she is our slave child- I mean, loving child, that we um love a lot I guess...

**VALJEAN:  
**Here is a kajillion dollars. Francs. Whatever.  
(gives them money. He obviously doesn't mind living poorly for the rest of his life. I mean, a couple pieces of silver can only go so far...)

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**Yea sure take the brat. Whatev.

**VALJEAN:  
**(grabbing the child)  
COME COSETTE  
SAY GOODBYE  
LET US SEEK OUT A FRIENDLIER SKY...  
And here is a dolly.

**LITTLE COSETTE:  
**(who is magically back from the oh-so-fun Well in the Woods)  
Oh goody! I love you, random stranger!

**EVERYONE:  
**(exits)

Personally, I think this would be a good place to end ACT I. But no...there's even more…


	10. The Beggars' Song

**SCENE 10: THE BEGGAR'S SONG  
**  
In Which Lamarque lives in the Sky and the ABC Café is the Glee Club

Time has passed, but is absolutely no way of showing it. They don't even play twinkly music!

**BEGGARS:  
**LOOK DOWN, WE HAVE  
A PROBLEM WITH OUR HEADS  
WE CAN'T  
LIFT THEM  
WE FACE THE GROUND INSTEAD

**GAVROCHE:  
**I'm Gavroche. I'm annoying.  
FOLLOW ME!

**EVERYONE:  
**(doesn't)

**ENJORLAS:  
**Hi! I'm Enjorlas!  
I believe in death to the government. Have a flyer!

**MARIUS:  
**I'm Marius. I'm an idiot.

**BEGGARS:  
**BEG BEG BEG BEG

**ENJORLAS:  
**WHERE ARE THE LEADERS OF THE LAND  
WHERE ARE THE SWELLS WHO RUN THIS SHOW

**MARIUS:  
**ONLY ONE MAN AND THAT'S LAMARQUE  
SPEAKS FOR US PEOPLE HERE BELOW  
He lives in the sky!

**ENJORLAS:  
**(facepalm)

**MARIUS:  
**LAMARQUE IS ILL AND FADING FAST  
WON'T LAST A WEEK OUT SO THEY SAY

**ENJORLAS:  
**HOW LONG BEFORE THE JUDGEMENT DAY  
BEFORE WE CUT THE FAT ONES DOWN TO SIZE-

**MARIUS:  
**Ugh, that's horrible! I'm a firm believer against violence.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Then I believe you've joined the wrong club, my friend. The ABC CAFÈ's main purpose is to kill everyone, if ya hadn't noticed.

**MARIUS:  
**Say WHAT?! I thought this was the Glee Club!

**ENJORLAS:  
**...how on Earth were you under that impression?

**THENARDIARS and TEENAGE GIRL:  
**(walk in)

**GAVROCHE:  
**Look, it's the Thenardiars and their kid Eponine!

**AUDIENCE:  
**Wait a minute, isn't she the small child with the blue hat? How did she get so big? JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I HAD THIS PLAY SORTED OUT, I'M ALL CONFUSED AGAIN.


	11. The Robbery

**SCENE 11: THE ROBBERY**

In Which Marius and Eponine Talk Hair, Valjean Temporarily gets a Girlfriend, and Mass Chaos Breaks Out

**MADAME THENARDIAR:  
**THESE BLOODY STUDENTS ON OUR STREET  
HERE THEY COME SLUMMING ONCE AGAIN  
OUR EPONINE WOULD KISS THEIR FEET  
SHE NEVER HAD A SCRAP OF BRAIN-

**EPONINE:  
**I'm not deaf, mom.

**MADAME THENARDIAR:  
**...oh.

**MARIUS:  
**'Sup, Eponine!

**EPONINE:  
**Omigosh MARIUS!!

**MARIUS:  
**Do you come here often?

**EPONINE:  
**...um, I'm here, like, everyday.

**MARIUS:  
**Oh, I hadn't noticed!

**EPONINE:  
**I LIKE THE WAY YOU GROW YOUR HAIR

**MARIUS:  
**I LIKE THE WAY YOU ALWAYS TEASE

**EPONINE:  
**Tease what?

**MARIUS:  
**Your hair.

**EPONINE:  
**Oh but yours is so much better!

**MARIUS:  
**You're just being nice...

**EPONINE:  
**No, seriously, I've been trying to get my hair to lay like that for ages. What's your secret?

**MARIUS:  
**Well, see, first I wash it-

**EPONINE:  
**Ahhh.....

**MARIUS:  
**And then I deep condition-

**VALJEAN and OTHER TEENAGE GIRL:  
**(enter)

**AUDIENCE:  
**Who is that random girl with Valjean (who BTW has all this baby powder in his hair and weird lines on his face)?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**That's his girlfriend, duh.

**MADAME THENARDIAR:  
**Look! A dude we can rob!

**EPONINE:  
**OMG, Marius, get out of here!

**MARIUS:  
**Wha-

**EPONINE:  
**(shoves Marius)

**MARIUS:  
**(falls into Other Teenage Girl)

**VALJEAN:  
**(not caring about Other Teenage Girl)

**MARIUS:  
**(is lovestruck)  
Youreallypretty!!

**OTHER TEENAGE GIRL:  
***giggle*

**EPONINE:  
**That was rather stupid of me.

**MARIUS:  
**(exits, probably to go write about meeting Other Teenage Girl in his diary)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Marius is hitting on Valjean's girlfriend! Scandalous!

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**(to Valjean)  
Let us trick you into thinking that this blanket is really a starving child so that you give us money!

**VALJEAN:  
**Ok!

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**Wait a minute, you're that guy who borrowed... COSETTE!  
(points menacingly at Other Teenage Girl who is apparently Cosette)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Alrighty then, I was wrong...

**THENARDIAR'S GANG MEMBER 1#:  
**(puts Cosette in headlock, who then screams)

**VALJEAN:  
**I have no idea what you are talking about.

**EPONINE:  
**Um, guys-

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**You're a convict, too!

**VALJEAN:  
**How did you figure _that_ out- I mean, no I'm not, you confused man!

**EPONINE:  
**Guys, really-

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**What, insufferable fool?

**EPONINE:  
**IT'S JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!*

**MASS CHAOS:  
**(ensues)

**THENARDIAR'S GANG MEMBER 1#:  
**(lets go of Cosette)  
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

**COSETTE:  
**(runs over to Valjean)

**BEGGAR 1#:  
**IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!

**JAVERT:  
**Um-

**BEGGAR 2#:  
**I STILL HAVEN'T RETURNED THE CD HE LENT ME!!

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**MAYBE IF I HIDE UNDER THIS BLANKET HE WON'T NOICE ME!!

**JAVERT:  
**Guys-

**MEG:  
**IT'S THE PHANTOM!!

**VALJEAN:  
**WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT CRAZED POLICEMAN WOULD END UP UNKNOWLNLY FOLLOWING ME HERE? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY! DOES FATE HATE ME?

**COSETTE:  
**What, Papa?

**VALJEAN:  
**Um, nothing...

**BEGGAR 3#:  
**WHY ARE WE ALL RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES?

**JAVERT:  
**Hey-

**BEGGAR 4#:  
**WHO IS JAVERT?

**BEGGAR 5#:  
**IDK BUT HE SOUNDS SCARY!!

**JAVERT:  
**SILENCE!!!!!!

**EVERYONE:  
**(stops freaking out)

**BEGGAR 5#:  
**Oh, nevermind, it's just a guy in a red coat and a funny hat.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Hey, Javert has weird lines on his face, too!

**VALJEAN:  
**(pulls out random newspaper in order to cover his face and not look anything like 24601)

**JAVERT:  
**(to Valjean)  
Sir, I won't let this fool bother you.

**VALJEAN:  
**(quickly)  
Uh yea ok thanks

**JAVERT:  
**(turns to Thenardiar, aka Lump of Blanket)

**VALJEAN:  
**(very high pitched)  
RUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!  
(escapes, dragging confused Cosette behind him)

**JAVERT:  
**Thenardiar, you are a jerk.

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**(from under the blanket)  
Thenardiar's not here.

**JAVERT:  
**(turning back to where Valjean used to be)  
Don't worry, I'll see him dealt w- OMG! WHERE DID THE GENTLEMAN GO?!?!?!?!?!?

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**(popping up from under the blanket)  
I think you mean CONVICT!

**JAVERT:  
**Say what?

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**Yup. His Prisoner Number was written right in his neck. In Sharpie.

**JAVERT:  
**COULD IT BE HE'S SOME OLD JAILBIRD  
THAT THE TIDE NOW WASHES IN  
HEARD MY NAME AND STARTED RUNNING  
HAD THE BRAND UPON HIS SKIN  
AND THAT GIRL WHO STOOD BESIDE HIM  
WHEN I TURNED THEY BOTH HAD GONE  
COULD IT BE THE MAN I'VE HUNTED  
COULD IT BE HE'S JEAN VALJEAN??

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**So, um, I'm just gonna go now...

**JAVERT:  
**I will find that old man! And I will throw him back into jail! There is no escaping me, JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

**BEGGARS:  
**...

**JAVERT:  
**What are you all still doing here?  
SCATTER!

**EVERYONE:  
**(runs screaming)

~~~~~~~  
*It looks like other people see the fun in saying his name as well.


	12. Stars

**SCENE 12: STARS**

In Which Javert Passes Out and Marius Resembles an Antelope****

JAVERT:  
LOOK  
UP AT ALL THOSE STARS  
GOSH THERE'S SO MANY  
I CAN'T EVEN COUNT THEM  
THEY'RE HURTING MY BRAIN  
I JUST LOST COUNT AGAIN  
THIS IS SO HARD  
'CAUSE THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME  
'CAUSE THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME  
Anyway, stars are really cool and they kind of remind me of myself somehow and if you fall like Lucifer then that is bad and so it is written that to get into Paradise you better not be clumsy because then you will fall too and I will not sleep until I find that annoying 24601 guy.  
'TIL THEN, THIS I SWEAR  
THIS I SWEAR BY THE STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS!!!!!!!!  
(passes out from holding that note for so long)

**GAVROCHE:  
**(popping up out of nowhere like everyone else)  
That silly Inspector.  
(drags unconscious Javert offstage)

**EPONINE:  
**(walks in)  
Gee, now I remember where I recognize Cosette from! She was my parents' slave way back when! Gosh, and now she's got the money and the guy. Life just isn't fair.

**MARIUS:  
**(walks in)  
I'm in love!

**EPONINE:  
**GOOD GOD, OH WHAT A RUMPUS!

**MARIUS:  
**I'm in love!

**EPONINE:  
**THAT COP, HE'D LIKE TO JUMP US-

**MARIUS:  
**I'm in love!

**EPONINE:  
**BUT HE AINT' SMART, NOT HE!

**MARIUS:  
**I'm in love!

**EPONINE:  
**Yes, I get the point. Are you even listening to anything I'm saying?

**MARIUS:  
**I'm in- oh, sorry, didn't see you there.  
Who was that girl?

**EPONINE:  
**Because I would totally know. Why do you care, anyway? She was hideous.

**MARIUS:  
**Eponine, can you stalk her for me and find out where she lives? But make sure you don't let her overprotective father find out.  
'PONINE, I'M LOST UNTIL SHE'S FOUND-

**EPONINE:  
**Yea sure whatever. Now leave or else Enjorlas will throw a fit about you being late again.

**MARIUS:  
**(skips off like a happy little antelope)

**EPONINE:  
**YOU SEE I TOLD YOU SO  
THERE'S LOTS OF THINGS I KNOW  
'PONINE  
SHE KNOWS HER WAY AROUND  
(exits)


	13. The ABC Cafe

**SCENE 13: THE ABC CAF****É**In Which the Game Risk is played and the Students are Uncooperative

**COURFEYRAC:  
**DEATH TO THE GOVERNMENT!

**STUDENTS:  
**HUZZAH!!

**ENJORLAS:  
**Now, now, children. Let's not get to carried away. We need a sign first and STOP DRINKING WHILE I'M TALKING!  
(grabs cup from Grantire and then chugs it himself)

**MARIUS:  
**(enters)

**ENJORLAS:  
**Gosh, Marius. Way to be late.

**JOLY:  
**WHAT'S WRONG TODAY  
YOU LOOK AS IF YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST

**GRANTIRE:  
**SOME WINE AND SAY WHAT'S GOING ON

**MARIUS:  
**Pretty...girl...looked...me...

**GRANTIRE:  
**I am agog! You remind me of Don Juan!

**MARIUS:  
**She...face...angel...

**GRANTIRE:  
**Ha ha! Marius, you're funnier than an opera!

**ENJORLAS:  
**(slams fist on table)  
Ow.  
This talk is petty. Let us turn the conversation back to guns and fighting and death. Let's pick two colors to sing about.

**JOLY:  
**Oh, I know!  
SLIVER AND GOLD, SILVER AND GOLD  
EVERYONE WISHES FOR SILVER AND GOLD-

**ENJORLAS:  
**No!  
RED, THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN!  
BLACK, THE DARK OF AGES PAST!  
RED, A WORLD ABOUT TO DAWN!  
BLACK, THE NIGHT THAT ENDS AT LAST!

**MARIUS:  
**You're just jealous that I'm in love and all of the girls think you are weird.

**GRANTIRE:  
**Hear, hear!

**ENJORLAS:  
**(glares)

**STUDENTS:  
**(start mulling over a world map)*

**COURFEYRAC:  
**I'm attacking Ethiopia from Madagascar.

**JOLY:  
**You can't do that. They aren't connected.

**FEUILLY:  
**Just roll the dice already!

**JOLY:  
**Well, it's my turn anyway. Look, I got a wild card!

**LESGLES:  
**Ok. My turn. I'm moving twenty of my guys to the Ukraine.

**COMBFERRE:  
**Aw... that's my country.

**LESGLES:  
**Ha! Now I own all of Europe!

**JOLY:  
**I'm still winning.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Get serious, Marius. General Lamarque is dying and it's time for war.

**MARIUS:  
**I still think talking about pretty girls is more fun.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Look, buddy, I'm sure you mean it well and all, but no one really cares about your lonely soul.  
Now, everybody with me!  
RED!

**EVERYONE:  
**(does nothing)

**ENJORLAS:  
**Come on, guys!  
BLACK!

**JOLY:  
**I'm not really the singing type of guy.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Anybody!

**FEUILLY:  
**Can we get back to our game now?

**ENJORLAS:  
**(slams head into nearest wall)  
I work with idiots.

**COURFEYRAC:****

SPARTANS, WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION?

**STUDENTS:  
**AHOO! AHOO! AHOO!

**EVERYONE:  
**(starts talking at once)

**JOLY:  
**Alright!

**LESGLES:  
**You know, I really hope Lamarque doesn't die or anything-

**MEG:  
**And then, would you believe it, Christine and Raoul-

**GAVROCHE:  
**(comes running in)  
Lamarque is dead!

**FEUILLY:  
**So then I decided that pink really just wasn't my color-

**MARIUS:  
**Her hair was glowing in the sun; I wonder if she deep conditions it-

**GAVROCHE:  
**Guys!

**GRANTIRE:  
**Chef Boyardee-

**GAVROCHE:  
**LISTEN!  
(echoes around the room)

**EVERYONE:  
**(shuts up)

**ENJORLAS:  
**What, midget?

**GAVROCHE:  
**General Lamarque... is dead.

**LESGLES:  
**Bummer.

**GRANTIRE:  
**Lamarque is dead.

**COMBFERRE:  
**Lamarque is dead.

**FEUILLY:  
**Lamarque is dead.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Yes, I think we get the point.  
LAMARQUE IS DEAD-

**GRANTIRE:  
**Hey, how come he gets to say it again?

**ENJORLAS:  
**LAMARQUE! HIS DEATH IS THE HOUR OF FATE  
THE PEOPLE'S MAN  
HIS DEATH  
IS THE SIGN WE AWAIT!

**MARIUS:  
**Say what?

~~~~~~  
* I was going to have the students have the conversation we had during the performances, which involved penguins, lemurs, and Chick-Fil-A, but I decided Risk would be funnier.  
** Inside jokes from practice. I included them for my friend. Good times.


	14. The People Song

**SCENE 14: THE PEOPLE SONG**

In Which Enjorlas Disapproves of the Game of Dominoes

**ENJORLAS:  
**DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING  
SINGING THE SONG OF ANGRY MEN?

**JOLY:  
**No... are you sure it's not the little people in your head again, Enjorlas?  
And what's with all of the angry men?

**ENJORLAS:  
**IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE  
WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN  
WHEN THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART  
ECHOES THE BEATING OF THE DRUM  
THERE IS A LIFE ABOUT TO START  
WHEN TOMORROW COMES!

**LESGLES:  
**C'mon, everybody. Join in our crusade!

**COURFEYRAC:  
**And, uh, there is only a 10% chance that you'll make it out alive, but we're not really supposed to tell you that...

**EVERYONE:  
**(all of these random people have decided to pop up out of nowhere and start marching idiotically)  
DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING  
SINGING THE SONGS OF ANGRY MEN?

**JOLY:  
**Ok, well, now I do.

**EVERYONE:  
**(still marching)  
IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE  
WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN-

**GRANTIRE:  
**(starts marching the wrong way)

**CROWD MEMBER 1#:  
**Ow, watch it!  
(falls over)

**GRANTIRE:  
**(has created a domino effect; several people in a row fall over and create a huge disruption)

**ENJORLAS:  
**WHEN THE BEATING OF YOUR HEARTS-  
(looks behind him to see pile of people on the ground glaring at Grantire)  
HEY! Why am I the only one marching?!

**CROWD MEMBER 1#:  
**Well, you see-

**ENJORLAS:  
**START MARCHING!

**EVERYONE:  
**(gets up and start marching again)  
ECHOES THE BEATING OF THE DRUMS  
THERE IS A LIFE ABOUT TO START  
WHEN TOMORROW COMES!

**FEUILLY:  
**WILL YOU GIVE ALL YOU CAN GIVE  
SO THAT OUR BANNER MAY ADVANCE?

**CROWD MEMBER 2#:  
**Gee, I didn't know the price was that high...  
(quickly exits)

**ENJORLAS:  
**(drags Crowd Member 2# back onto stage by his ear)  
NO QUITTING!

**FEUILLY:  
**SOME WILL FALL AND SOME WILL LIVE  
WILL YOU STAND UP AND TAKE A CHANCE?  
(points to Random Audience Member)

**RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER:  
**No, I think I'll pass.

**FEUILLY:  
**THE BLOOD OF THE MAYTERS-

**EVERYONE:  
**It's MARTYRS!!

**FEUILLY:  
**WHATEVER!  
WILL WATER THE MEDOWS OF FRAAAAAAAAANCE!!

**CROWD MEMBER 2#:  
**That's gross.  
(tries to leave again, but stops when he sees Enjorlas' glare of death)

**EVERYONE:  
**DO YOU HERE THE PEOPLE SING  
SINGING THE SONGS OF ANGRY MEN  
IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN  
WHEN THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART  
ECHOES THE BEATING OF THE DRUMS  
IT IS A LIFE ABOUT TO START  
WHEN TOMORROW COMES!  
(scream and jump offstage into the audience)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**(almost has heart attack)

**EVERYONE:  
**(runs out into the hallway acting like wild maniacs)


	15. Rue Plummet

**SCENE 15: RUE PLUMET**

In Which Valjean Makes a Quick Getaway and Marius is not Tactful

**COSETTE:**  
(in a garden)  
That random stranger that crashed into me was so hot! I've always been attracted to clumsy people.  
And his hair... he probably has it deep conditioned every day!

**VALJEAN:  
**(enters)  
You look so lonely, Cosette. I wish I was more entertaining.

**COSETTE:  
**You could try a little harder.

**VALJEAN:  
**Nah.

**COSETTE:  
**Your such a weirdo, Papa. How come you don't socialize more?

**VALJEAN:  
**Uh, no reason...

**COSETTE:  
**And how come we keep moving? And why don't you ever talk about what I was like as a child? You never talk about my mother, either. And-

**VALJEAN:  
**Stop asking questions, you annoying child.  
I will tell you when you are older.

**COSETTE:  
**And when will that be?

**VALJEAN:  
**…Never.

**COSETTE:  
**IN MY LIFE  
I'M NO LONGER A CHILD AND I YEARN  
FOR THE TRUTH THAT YOU KNOW  
OF THE YEARS... YEARS AGO!

**VALJEAN:  
**Oh, would you look at the time?  
(dashes out of the room- er, garden.)

**MARIUS:  
**(outside the garden gate)  
Gee, Eponine, thanks to you, I can now meet the girl of my dreams!

**EPONINE:  
**I'm such a pushover, it's not even funny.

**MARIUS:  
**Because of your kind deed, I might even send you a wedding invitation!

**EPONINE and MARIUS:  
**IN MY LIFE  
THERE IS SOMEONE WHO TOUCHES MY LIFE

**MARIUS:  
**WAITING NEAR!

**EPONINE:  
**...WAITING HERE.

~~~~~~  
a/n: Aw, poor Eponine. I feel quite sorry for her.

**In response to Achillies Maiden's comment for chapter 13:** Aw, man! You're right about the Feuilly thing… Good one! As for Sparta, that's just something that the guy who played Courfeyrac would shout before every performance. I guess it was to get us pumped or something…? Who knows.

**In response to robin hood's comment:** Haha! Yay! First truant dogs, now this… I was looking at my profile stats and it said that someone from St. Maartens looked at it and I'm like, "Whoa! Oh, wait…"


	16. A Heart Full of Love

**SCENE 16: A HEART FULL OF LOVE**

In Which Marius is Quite Confused

**MARIUS:**  
(frolics into Cosette's garden)  
Hey!

**COSETTE:  
**(not creeped out at all)  
It's that random stranger!!

**MARIUS:  
**I just thought that you'd like to know that I'm in love with you. But oh God, for shame. I still have no clue what your name is!  
I'm Marius Pontmercy.

**COSETTE:  
**And I'm Cosette...something!

**MARIUS:  
**COSETTE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!

**COSETTE:  
**THEN MAKE NO SOUND!

**MARIUS:  
**I AM LOST-

**COSETTE:  
**No, seriously, stop talking.

**MARIUS:  
**…

**COSETTE:  
**Oh, never mind, I thought I heard some girl spying on us. Carry on!

**EPONINE aka PEEPING TOM:  
**I've got to be quieter.

**MARIUS:  
**A HEART FULL OF LIGHT

**COSETTE:  
**A NIGHT BRIGHT AS DAY

**MARIUS:  
**That doesn't really make any sense.  
AND YOU MUST NEVER GO AWAY  
COSETTE, COSETTE

**COSETTE:  
**THIS IS A CHAIN WE'LL NEVER BREAK-

**MARIUS:  
**And neither does that. What chain?

**COSETTE:  
**I don't really know...

**MARIUS:  
**DO I DREAM?

**COSETTE:  
**I'M AWAKE

**MARIUS:  
**Why wouldn't you be?

**EPONINE:  
**This is seriously depressing me.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Why does she insist on torturing herself?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 2#:  
**Because she's Eponine. She is the early 1800's equivalent to emo.


	17. The Attack on Rue Plummet

**SCENE 17: THE ATTACK ON RUE PLUMET**

In Which Thenardiar has Bad Eyesight, Javert Apparently Clones Himself, and Cosette Gets no Party Either

**MASTER THENARDIAR and GANG:  
**(appearing out of nowhere, and unnoticed by the lovebirds in the garden)

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**THIS IS HIS LAIR  
I'VE SEEN THE OLD FOX AROUND  
HE KEEPS HIMSELF TO HIMSELF  
HE'S STAYING CLOSE TO THE GROUND  
I SMELL PROFIT HERE!

**MONTEPARSSE:  
**"He keeps himself to himself"?  
What on Earth does that mean?

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**(glares)  
Anyway.  
TEN YEARS AGO  
HE CAME AND PAYED FOR COSETTE  
I LET HER GO FOR A SONG-

**MONTEPARSSE:  
**(to the others)  
He _does _like music...

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**IT'S TIME WE SETTLED THE DEBT  
THIS'LL COST HIM DEAR!

**BRUJON:  
**That's fantastic. I don't care.

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**Do shut up.

**EPONINE:  
**(notices them and walks over)

**BRUJON:  
**Who's that?

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**Ugh, I have no clue. But her parents must've been hideous... I mean, look at her!

**BABET:  
**Um, that would be Eponine, your daughter...

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**…Oh.  
Go away, Eponine. It's your day off, remember?

**EPONINE:  
**Look, I can't let you rob this house. I mean, there's nothing here anyway except for an old man and two lovebirds. I doubt they would sell nicely.  
**  
MONTEPARSSE:  
**We don't like you, Eponine. Go home.

**EPONINE:  
**That would be the streets. So technically, I am home. Ha.

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**C'mon, guys. Forget her.

**EPONINE:  
**I'm gonna scream!

**MASTER THENARIAR:  
**DO YOU WANT TO DIE?

**EPONINE:  
**SSCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAMM!!!!!!!

**MONTEPARSSE:  
**...Was that a yes?

**MASTER THENARDIAR:  
**Escape!  
(Thenardiar and Gang exit)

**MARIUS:  
**(running out of the garden)  
Hey, Eponine, you saved the day again!  
Cosette, let me introduce you to Eponine, the girl that does everything for me yet I still ignore. I am oblivious to the fact that she is in love with me...actually, I'm oblivious to many things.

**VALJEAN:  
**(entering the garden)

**MARIUS:  
**It's the overprotective father! Run!  
(exits with Eponine)

**VALJEAN:  
**Good golly, Cosette! Was that you screaming?

**COSETTE:  
**Um, yes, I suppose so.

**VALJEAN:  
**Why??????

**COSETTE:  
**...because I saw some scary men! And then when I screamed they ran away. Because I was brave. And Eponine did nothing. Yup, that's what happened.

**VALJEAN:  
**How many men, exactly?

**COSETTE:  
**Three.  
**  
VALJEAN:  
**(to himself)  
I'm going to automatically jump the conclusion that it must be Javert! And his two clones! Well, there is only one option...  
(to Cosette)  
Cosette, we're moving.

**COSETTE:  
**Aw. Well, I guess I'll have a big going away party and-

**VALJEAN:  
**Tomorrow.

**COSETTE:  
**WHAT?!  
That's not even logical! To where?

**VALJEAN:  
**Um, I guess Calais?

**COSETTE:  
**Do you even know where that is?

**VALJEAN:  
**…we'll get a map.  
HURRY COSETTE  
PREPARE TO LEAVE AND SAY NO MORE  
TOMORROW WE'LL AWAY  
HURRY, COSETTE  
IT'S TIME TO CLOSE ANOTHER DOOR  
AND LIVE ANOTHER DAY!

~~~~~~  
a/n: One more scene... One scene more... until Act II! Yay!


	18. One Day More

**SCENE 18: ONE DAY MORE**

In Which Everyone Comes Out of Nowhere and Starts Marching in an Unidentified Location

**VALJEAN:  
**ONE DAY MORE  
ANOTHER DAY ANOTHER DESTINY  
THIS NEVER ENDING ROAD TO CALVARY  
THESE MEN WHO SEEM TO KNOW MY CRIMES  
WILL SURELY COME A SECOND TIME  
ONE DAY MORE

**MARIUS:  
**(appearing out of thin air)  
I'm so sad you are moving.

**VALJEAN:  
**ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE-

**COSETTE:  
**I know, right?

**EPONINE:  
**(magically enters the- you know, I'm not really sure where they are anymore, to be honest.)  
I'm depressed.

**MARIUS:  
**I love you!

**EPONINE:  
**Really?

**MARIUS:  
**Not you. Cosette.

**EPONINE:  
**Marius is oblivious and it's upsetting me.

**ENJORLAS and MOB OF PEOPLE:  
**(also popping up out of nowhere)

**ENJORLAS:  
**ONE MORE DAY BEFORE THE STORM-

**MARIUS:  
**DO I FOLLOW WHERE SHE GOES?

**COSETTE:  
**Um, yes.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Fight with us, Marius!

**MARIUS:  
**But I just might drop dead without Cosette!

**ENJORLAS:  
**...And we can make sure that happens!

**VALJEAN:  
**Stop singing over top of me!  
ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE-

**JAVERT:  
**(where are all these people coming from?)  
ONE MORE DAY TO REVOLUTION  
WE WILL NIP IT IN THE BUD  
I WILL JOIN THESE LITTLE SCHOOLBOYS  
THEY WILL WET THEMSELVES!

**EVERYONE:  
**…

**JAVERT:  
**...WITH BLOOD!

**VALJEAN:  
**ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE-

**THENARDIARS:  
**(where did_ they_ come from?)  
We like to steal things!

**EVERYONE:  
**SOMETHING ABOUT FLAGS AND KINGS  
BLAH BLAH BLAH  
DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

**MARIUS:  
**Alright. That convinced me. I'll stay here.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Ha! In your FACE Cosette!

**COSETTE:  
**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

**VALJEAN:  
**ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE-

**MARIUS and COSETTE:  
**We are sad!

**EPONINE:  
**I'm sad, too!

**VALJEAN:  
**ONE DAY MORE-

**JAVERT:  
**I'll make a super-duper cool spy!

**THENARDIARS:  
**Stealing is fun!

**VALJEAN:  
**ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE ONE DAY MORE-

**JAVERT:  
**I AM SINGING!

**MARIUS and COSETTE:  
**WE ARE SINGING WHILE HE IS SINGING!

**EPONINE:  
**I AM SINGING WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS SINGING!

**EVERYONE:  
**(start marching like fools again)  
I AM SINGING  
WHILE HE IS SINGING  
AND SHE IS SINGING

**VALJEAN:  
**SOMETHING ABOUT JUDGEMENT DAY!

**JAVERT:  
**YEA!

**EVERYONE:  
**ONE MORE DAWN  
ONE MORE DAY  
ONE  
DAY  
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Gee, that was epic.

**BLACKOUT**


	19. Intermission

**INTERMISSION:**

In Which Many Important Questions are Asked

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:**  
Alright, so I guess I understand the play now.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 2#:  
**Yea, it's not that confusing after the first hour.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**I hope it has a happy ending.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 4#:  
**What do you think will happen next?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Will Valjean and Cosette really move?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 2#:  
**Will Enjorlas and the Students win?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 3#:  
**Will Eponine end up with Marius?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 4#:  
**Will Javert ever catch Valjean?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 5#:  
**Will Master Thenardiar get a smarter gang?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 6#:  
**Will the Bishop ever come back into the story?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 7#:  
**Will Gavroche ever drop the random Cockney accent?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 8#:  
**Will the Students not be idiotic and get on Enjorlas' nerves?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 9#:  
**Will Javert become an astronomer?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 10#:  
**Will everyone stop popping up out of nowhere?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Find out after the break!

Somewhere, on the side of the road…

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #93:  
**Ergh! My stupid car broke down! I am so going to be late for the production of 'It's Quite Less Miserable…'


	20. The Barricade

**SCENE 19: THE BARRICADE**

In Which Javert Acquires a New Outfit, Valjean is Nosy, and Eponine Can't Even Get a Full Sentence out Without Being Interrupted

**ENJORLAS:  
**Yippee! Building a barricade is fun! We can use that broken barrel over there, and that random chair, and that stuffed giraffe head, and meld them all together with super glue and VOILÀ! The best barricade ever!

**JAVERT:  
**(enters in his Revolutionary Disguise, which consists of dark sunglasses and a really long purple beard)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**I liked him better with the cool hat.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Now, we need someone to spy on the National Guard, because they are not cooperating by telling us their battle plans.  
Should we decide who by Nose Goes or Eeny Meeny Miney Moe?

**JAVERT:  
**Oh! I'll go! Pick me! Pick me!

**ENJORLAS:  
**Um ok, you with the beard.

**JAVERT:  
**Huzzah!  
(runs off)

**COURFEYRAC:  
**Who _was _that, anyway?

**ENJORLAS:  
**Ah, who knows. But we can trust him because he was in a cool outfit.

**EPONINE:  
**(walks in)  
Howdy, Marius!

**MARIUS:  
**Eponine, what are you doing here?!

**EPONINE:  
**Stalking you.

**MARIUS:  
**And, um, why are you dressed as a guy?

**EPONINE:  
**All of my other clothes are in the wash.

**MARIUS:  
**Oh.  
'Ponine, you need to scatter! The bad guys are coming soon!

**EPONINE:  
**Aw, you care about me! That makes me feel loved.

**MARIUS:  
**Here, I have a letter for you to give to Cosette.

**EPONINE:  
**Or not...

**STAGE:  
**(magically turns into Cosette's backyard)

**EPONINE:  
**I HAVE A LETTER MONSUIER  
IT'S ADDRESSED TO YOUR DAUGHTER, COSETTE  
IT'S FROM A BOY AT-

**VALJEAN:  
**(who is in the garden for some reason)  
A _boy_? Well, we will have none of that! I bought Cosette fair and square, and he can't have her unless he forks over 2 kajillion francs!

**EPONINE:  
**…

**VALJEAN:  
**Gimme the letter, kid.

**EPONINE:  
**HE SAID TO GIVE IT TO COSETTE-

**VALJEAN:  
**YOU HAVE MY WORD  
THAT MY DAUGHTER WILL KNOW  
WHAT THIS LETTTER CONTAINS (ha yea right)  
TELL THE YOUNG MAN SHE WILL READ IT TOMORROW  
AND HERE'S FOR YOUR PAINS  
(hands Eponine money that he somehow has with him)  
GO CAREFUL NOW  
STAY OUT OF SIGHT  
THERE'S DANGER IN THE STREETS TONIGHT

**EPONINE:  
**(pretends to leave but actually listens in instead because, well, she's Eponine)

**VALJEAN:  
**And now I will read my daughter's mail.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**How rude!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 93#:  
**(rushes in)  
Hi, I'm kinda late. Can I sit next to you?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Sure!

**VALJEAN and EPONINE:  
**Shhh!

**VALJEAN:  
**Ahem. Anyway.  
DEAREST COSETTE,  
YOU HAVE ENTERED MY SOUL  
AND SOON YOU WILL BE GONE  
CAN IT BE ONLY A DAY SINCE WE MET  
AND THE WORLD WAS REBORN  
IF I SHOULD FALL IN THE BATTLE TO COME  
LET THIS BE MY GOODBYE  
NOW THAT I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE ME AS WELL  
IT IS HARDER TO DIE  
I PRAY THAT GOD WILL BRING ME HOME  
TO BE WITH YOU  
PRAY FOR YOUR MARIUS  
HE PRAYS FOR YOU  
Aw, how nice, he made it rhyme.  
(exits)

**STAGE:  
**(is magically not garden anymore)

**EPONINE:  
**AND NOW I'M ALL ALONE AGAIN  
NO WHERE TO TURN NO WHERE TO GO TO  
WITHOUT A HOME  
WITHOUT A FRIEND  
WITHOUT A FACE TO SAY HELLO TO  
AND NOW THE NIGHT IS HERE  
AND I CAN MAKE BELIEVE HE'S HERE

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**That's a little creepy.

**EPONINE:  
**SOMETIMES I WALK ALONE AT NIGHT  
WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS SLEEPING-  
**  
SLEEPING VILLAGER:  
**Pipe down, would ya?

**EPONINE:  
**I THINK OF HIM  
AND THEN I'M HAPPY WITH THE COMPANY I'M KEEPING  
THE CITY GOES TO BED  
AND I CAN LIVE INSIDE MY HEAD

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**As is that.

**EPONINE:  
**ON MY OWN  
PRETENDING HE'S BESIDE ME-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Like an imaginary friend? My friend has one, and his name is Danny-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 8#:  
**Is it possible for you to _not_ comment on every single little detail?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 93#:  
**I think her comments are wonderful.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Ha.

**EPONINE:  
**ALL ALONE  
I WALK WITH HIM 'TIL MORNING  
WITHOUT HIM  
I FEEL HIS ARMS AROUND ME-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Creepy.

**EPONINE:  
**AND WHEN I LOSE MY WAY I CLOSE MY EYES  
AND HE HAS FOUND ME  
(closes eyes and walks into lamp post)  
Ow.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**Ha again.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 2#:  
**(pulls out duct tape)

**EPONINE:  
**IN THE RAIN  
THE PAVEMEMENT SHINES LIKE SILVER  
(slips on wet pavement)  
Whoa!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**And ha-  
(is quickly smothered in duct tape)

**EPONINE:  
**ALL THE LIGHTS  
ARE MISTY IN THE RIVER  
IN THE DARKNESS  
THE TREES ARE FULL OF STARLIGHT  
AND ALL I SEE IS HIM AND ME  
FOREVER AND FOREVER  
AND I KNOW  
IT'S ONLY IN MY MIND  
THAT I'M TALKING TO MYSELF AND NOT TO HIM-

**PASSING VILLAGER 1#:  
**(ushers child quickly past Eponine)  
Don't make eye contact with the crazy girl...

**EPONINE:  
**AND ALTHOUGH  
I KNOW THAT HE IS BLIND-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 2#:  
**We were all quite aware of that, dear.

**EPONINE:  
**STILL I SAY  
THERE'S A WAY FOR US-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**(tries to gnaw her way through the duct tape so that she can make a comment about how Eponine needs to just give up)

**EPONINE:  
**I LOVE HIM  
BUT WHEN THE NIGHT IS OVER  
HE IS GONE  
THE RIVER'S JUST A RIVER-

**RIVER:  
**Well, thanks.

**EPONINE:  
**WITHOUT HIM  
THE WORLD AROUND ME CHANGES  
THE TREES ARE BARE  
AND EVERYWHERE  
THE STREETS ARE FULL OF STRANGERS-

**STRANGERS:  
**At least we don't sing to ourselves.

**EPONINE:  
**I LOVE HIM  
BUT EVERYDAY I'M LEARNING  
ALL MY LIFE  
I'VE ONLY BEEN PRETNDING  
WITHOUT ME  
HIS WORLD WILL GO ON TURNING-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 93#:  
**Foreshadowing!

**EPONINE:  
**A WORLD THAT'S FULL OF HAPPINESS  
THAT I HAVE NEVER KNOWN!  
**  
EVERYONE:  
**(glares at non-present Thenardiars)

**EPONINE:  
**I LOVE HIM  
I LOVE HIM-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**(still working on that duct tape)

**EPONINE:  
**I LOVE HIM  
BUT ONLY ON MY OWN!  
(exits)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 1#:  
**(finally freeing herself)  
Ok, so what was with the duct tape??

**AUDINCE MEMBER 2#:  
**We needed you to shut up.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER 8#:  
**Silence is golden, my friend, but duct tape is silver.


	21. Javert at the Barricade

**SCENE 20: JAVERT AT THE BARRICADE**

In Which Gavroche Pays Close Attention to a Certain Song and the ABC Café's Gold Star Status is Ruined

**BARRICADE:  
**(is rolled onto stage by students)

**ENJORLAS:  
**Well, that was easy!  
RED, THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN!  
BLACK, THE DARK OF AGES PAST!  
RED, A WORLD ABOUT TO DAWN!  
BLACK, THE NIGHT THAT ENDS AT LAST!

**INVISIBLE ARMY OFFICER:  
**YOU AT THE BARRICADE LISTEN TO THIS  
NO ONE IS COMING TO HELP YOU TO FIGHT  
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN  
YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS-

**ENJORLAS:  
**You don't scare us! We will overcome verbal abuse!

**JAVERT:  
**(who is back from his mission climbs over barricade, loses footing, and falls off)  
Ow.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Hey look! Our spy is back! And alive, too!

**JAVERT:  
**(getting up)  
I HAVE OVERHEARD THEIR PLANS  
THERE WILL BE NO ATTACK TONIGHT  
THEY INTEND TO STARVE US OUT  
BEFORE THEY START A PROPER FIGHT  
CONCENTRATE THEIR FORCE  
HIT US FROM THE RIGHT-

**GAVROCHE:  
**(popping up out of nowhere)  
LIAR!

**JAVERT:  
**Oh, ok, so now you are letting children hang around the barricade? That's just sick.

**ENJORLAS:  
**Stop changing the subject.  
Continue, Gavroche?

**GAVROCHE:  
**That dude is Inspector Javert!!!!!

**JAVERT:  
**(nervously)  
Ha...kids these days...you never know what they will come up with next, right?

**GAVROCHE:  
**Hey! Don't insult children, because we bite! When we grow up we will be strong like dogs and have the power of twenty armies!

**JAVERT:  
**...  
I could not possibly be that amazing, attractive, and super-awesome cop because he does not have a purple beard. Duh.

**GAVROCHE:  
**No, I know you are him because I heard you singing about it in Scene 18. Remember?  
"One more day 'til revolution, we will nip it in the bud...?"

**JAVERT:  
**...oops.  
(spazzes and tries to strangle Gavroche)

**ENJORLAS:  
**(puts Javert in headlock)

**LESGLES:  
**Le gasp! Javert, I can't believe this! I trusted you with all of my secrets!

**COURFEYRAC:  
**Let's shoot him!

**ENJORLAS:  
**No, my friends, tying him to a chair is much more fun. Even though it's technically supposed to be a pole. We can shoot him later.

**EVERYONE:  
**(fights over who gets to tie him to the chair because, as Enjorlas says, it is great fun)

**ENJORLAS:  
**Look, I'll just do it.  
(ties Javert to chair)  
Well, I guess you really can't trust old guys. How sad.

**RANDOM VOICE:  
**There's a boy climbing the barricade!! WE MUST SHOOT HIM!

**GUNFIRE:  
**BOOM!

**EPONINE:  
**(climbs over barricade)

**MARIUS:  
**Eponine! How nice to see you. Did you give the letter to Cosette?

**EPONINE:  
**I did everything you told me to and then I got shot but was still able to climb over the barricade somehow but anyway I am DYING and it's all because I decided to go play messenger for YOU!  
(collapses)  
**  
EVERYONE:  
**(stands around and watches)

**MARIUS:  
**Oh, good golly! Are you hurt or something??

**EPONINE:  
**DON'T YOU FRET  
M'SIEUR MARIUS  
I DON'T FEEL ANY PAIN (that's a lie)  
A LITTLE FALL OF RAIN  
CAN HARDLY HURT ME NOW-

**EVERYONE:  
**What rain?

**SKY:  
**(starts raining)

**EPONINE:  
**Oh. How nicely timed!

**MARIUS:  
**Eponine, you will not die! DO NOT GO TO THE LIGHT!!!!  
If only I had loved you more...

**EPONINE:  
**It's okay, Marius, because there are more pros than cons in this situation! Ok, so I'm bleeding to death, but at least you finally noticed me! And being a fan of botany, I'm happy because all of this spontaneous rain will help the flowers grow! Yay!  
**  
EPONINE: ...............................................MARIUS:  
**SO SON'T YOU FRET .................................HUSH-A-BYE  
M'SIEUR MARIUS ......................................DEAR EPONINE  
I DON'T FEEL ANY PAIN ............................YOU WON'T FEEL ANY PAIN  
A LITTLE FALL OF RAIN ............................A LITTLE FALL OF RAIN  
CAN HARDLY HURT ME NOW ....................CAN HARDLY HURT YOU NOW  
.................................................................I'M HERE  
THAT'S ALL I NEED TO KNOW  
AND YOU WILL KEEP ME SAFE .................AND I WILL STAY WITH YOU  
AND YOU WILL KEEP ME STRONG ............'TIL YOU ARE SLEEPING  
.................................................................AND RAIN...  
AND RAIN...  
.................................................................WILL MAKE THE FLOWERS...  
WILL MAKE THE FLOWERS...

**EPONINE:  
**(dies)  
**  
MARIUS:  
**...grow.  
GOSH DARN IT! SHE DIDN'T EVEN WAIT TO FINISH THE SONG!!!  
(bursts into tears)

**EVERYONE:  
**(is sad)  
**  
ENJORLAS:  
**Dang. There goes our gold-star status of zero deaths this year.

**FEUILLY:  
**(drags Eponine offstage)


	22. The First Attack

**SCENE 21: THE FIRST ATTACK**

In Which Enjorlas Doesn't Learn from Previous Mistakes and Courfeyrac Gets Jealous

**VALJEAN:  
**(climbs over the barricade wearing a clown suit)

**EVERYONE:  
**(quickly forgets Eponine)

**JOLY:  
**Hey look it's another OLD GUY!  
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THIS PLACE?

**VALJEAN:  
**I COME HERE AS A VOLUNTEER

**JOLY:  
**APPROACH AND SHOW YOUR FACE!  
YOU WEAR A- clown suit?!

**VALJEAN:  
**Um, yes, well, that's the reason they let me through. They thought that maybe you had ordered me from the circus for some cheering up when you all are slaughtered.

**JOLY:  
**...  
YOU SEE THAT PRISONER OVER THERE?

**GRANTIRE:  
**A VOLUNTEER LIKE YOU!

**JOLY:  
**A SPY WHO CALLS HIMSELF "JAVERT"

**COURFEYRAC:  
**HE'S GONNA GET IT TOO!

**JAVERT:  
**You know, guys, I can hear you.  
And it's not "Javert." It's "JAVERRRRRRRRRRRT!"  
Honestly.

**MARIUS:  
**(to Valjean)  
Wait, aren't you my lovely Cosette's father? I thought you were moving!

**VALJEAN:  
**Yea, well, our flight was delayed because of that freak rainstorm. And since I have nothing better to do, I decided to come here.

**JOLY:  
**IDK, Enjorlas. What happens if he's another spy?

**ENJORLAS:  
**He's in a cool outfit. We can trust him.  
(hands Valjean a gun)  
We'll let you fight, clown. But please don't shoot me in the back.

**JOLY:  
**PLATOON OF SNIPERS ADVANCING TOWARDS THE BARRICADE!  
TROOPS BEHIND THEM, 50 MEN OR MORE!

**ENJORLAS:  
**Ok guys, hold... hold... hold... hold... hold... hold...  
(5 minutes later)  
...hold...hold...hold...ok FIRE!  
(epic music is played while the students epically shoot invisible people with various epic weapons such as machine guns, grenades, and flamethrowers. Wow, those French were advanced!  
Several audience members hide under their chairs because the sound effect CD is so lifelike. Our favorite Audience Member #1 is guarded heroically by Audience Member #93.  
There is also a lot of shouting and cries of "DIE!!" happening onstage. This is mainly because the actors just have a ton of fun acting like little boys.)

**RANDOM NAMELESS STUDENT:  
**(gets shot)  
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

**FEUILLY:  
**SNIPER!

**VALJEAN:  
**(shoots invisible sniper)  
BAM!

**FOG MACHINE:  
**(spazzes and all this magical smoke drifts onto stage)

**LESGLES:  
**Wow, guys! We won a battle! Things are looking up!

**ENJORLAS:  
**Don't get too happy.  
(adopts Terminator accent)  
Zey vill be back.  
(turns to Valjean)  
FOR YOUR PRESENCE OF MIND  
FOR THE DEED YOU HAVE DONE  
I WILL THANK YOU M'SIEUR  
WHEN OUR BATTLE IS WON

**VALJEAN:  
**Well aren't we Mr. Confident.  
Actually, there is something you can do for me right now. I want the spy Javert.

**JAVERT:  
**THE LAW IS UPSIDE DOWN  
THE WORLD IS INSIDE-  
wait, no, that's not how it goes.  
Um, THE WORLD IS UPSIDE IN  
THE LAW IS-  
Oh, forget it.  
SOMETHING'S INSIDE OUT  
AND SOMETHING'S UPSIDE DOWN!

**ENJORLAS:  
**(to Valjean)  
Sure, do whatever you want.  
(to everyone else)  
Alright, no slackers!  
Everybody back to their positions!  
THE NIGHT IS FALLING FAST!

**VALJEAN:  
**(to Javert)  
Fancy seeing you here.

**JAVERT:  
**YOU'VE HUNGERD FOR THIS ALL YOUR LIFE  
TAKE YOUR REVENGE  
HOW RIGHT YOU SHOULD KILL WITH A KNIFE

**VALJEAN:  
**(pulls out random knife that he conveniently has with him and cuts Javert free)  
YOU TALK TOO MUCH  
YOUR LIFE IS SAFE IN MY HANDS

**JAVERT:  
**I- Wait, what?

**VALJEAN:  
**Skedaddle.

**JAVERT:  
**I'm warning you...

**VALJEAN:  
**Dude, did you not just hear what I said?  
VAMOOSE!

**JAVERT:  
**ONCE A THIEF, FOREVER A THIEF  
WHAT YOU WANT YOU ALWAYS STEAL

**VALJEAN:  
**Um, ok, I'm not really sure how that fits into this conversation...

**JAVERT:  
**I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU! BWAHAHAHAHA!

**VALJEAN:  
**Whatevs, 'Vert.  
IF I COME OUT OF THIS ALIVE  
YOU'LL FIND ME AT-

**JAVERT:  
**Wait a sec.  
(gets out pen and paper)  
Ok, go.

**VALJEAN:  
**...YOU'LL FIND ME AT NUMBER FIFTY FIVE  
RUE PLUMMET  
NO DOUBT OUR PATHS  
WILL CROSS AGAIN  
Now scatter!

**JAVERT:  
**(leaps away)

**VALJEAN:  
**(shoots his gun off into the air and purposely misses Javert)  
BAM!  
(turns to Everyone and gives thumbs up)

**EVERYONE:  
**HUZZAH! HE'S DEAD! WHOOOO! I'M SO HAPPY!

**ENJORLAS:  
**Alright guys, party time is over.  
COURFEYRAC, YOU TAKE THE WATCH-

**COURFEYRAC:  
**Aw.

**ENJORLAS:  
**THEY WON'T ATTACK UNTIL IT'S LIGHT-

**COURFEYRAC:  
**Then why do I have to take the stupid watch?

**ENJORLAS:  
**EVERYBODY STAY AWAKE  
WE MUST BE READY FOR THE FIGHT-

**COURFEYRAC:  
**We won't be very ready if we are all suffering from lack of sleep, you know.

**ENJORLAS:  
**(getting annoyed)  
FOR THE FINAL FIGHT  
LET NO ONE SLEEP TONIGHT  
But Marius, you can rest.

**COURFEYRAC:  
**FAVORITISM!!!!!

**ENJORLAS:  
**WOULD YOU KINDLY STOP?!


	23. The Night

**SCENE 22: THE NIGHT**

In Which Oxygen is Inebriating and Valjean has Angst.

**EVERYONE:  
**(has magically acquired drinks)

**FEUIILY:  
**Let's get drunk, because that'll definitely keep us awake!

**EVERYONE:  
**Hear, hear!

**GRANTIRE:  
**You know guys, I just had a revelation. If we all die, no one will care.

**COURFEYRAC:  
**Gee, that's uplifting.

**EVERYONE:  
**Let's drink some more!

**MEN:  
**WE'RE SO DRUNK

**WOMEN:  
**WE'RE SO DRUNK

**MEN:  
**THAT WE

**WOMEN:  
**THAT WE

**MEN:  
**REPEAT

**WOMEN:  
**REPEAT

**MEN:  
**EVERYTHING

**WOMEN:  
**EVERYTHING

**MEN:  
**EACH OTH-

**WOMEN:  
**EACH OTH-

**MEN:  
**-ER SAYS!

**WOMEN:  
**-ER SAYS!  
WAIT A SEC HOW COME MY GLASS IS EMPTY?!

**MEN:  
**IT'S A PROP. WE'RE UNDERAGE, DON'T YOU SEE?  
WOW THAT'S SAD

**WOMEN:  
**WOW THAT'S SAD

**MEN:  
**WE'RE DRUNK

**WOMEN:  
**WE'RE DRUNK

**MEN:  
**ON AIR

**WOMEN:  
**ON AIR

**MARIUS:  
**Oh, woe is me! Since Cosette is supposedly moving, my life is so meaningless that I should just drop dead right here!  
LIFE WITHOUT COSETTE  
MEANS NOTHING AT ALL!

**EVERYONE except MARIUS:  
**(really loudly)  
HUM HUM HUMMMM!!!!!!

**MARIUS:  
**...  
SHOULD YOU WEEP, COSETTE-

**EVERYONE except MARIUS:  
**HUMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

**MARIUS:  
**SHOULD MARIUS-

**EVERYONE except MARIUS:  
**HUM HUM HUMMMM!!!!!!

**MARIUS:  
**WOULD YOU KINDLY STOP DROWNING OUT MY SINGING?!?!

**COMBFERRE:  
**_You're_ that one that's drowning _us_ out. We're just trying to calmly meditate and there you are, going on and on about what's-her-face.

**MARIUS:  
**(long, exasperated sigh)

**EVERYONE except VALJEAN:  
**(conks out)

**VALJEAN:  
**Oh, how sad. I'm the only one still awake. There must have been something in that air that made everyone pass out… glad I didn't have any.

**EVERYONE except VALJEAN:  
**(still asleep)

**VALJEAN:  
**Now would be a perfect time to belt out a prayer to God, seeing as no one can hear me!  
GOD ON HIGH  
HEAR MY PRAYER  
IN MY NEED  
YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE-

**COURFEYRAC:  
**Are you…singing?

**VALJEAN:  
**It helps me fall asleep.

**COURFEYRAC:  
**Alright then.

**VALJEAN:  
**I AM TIRED  
YES I AM  
LET ME SLEEP  
LET ME SLEEP  
LET ME SLEEP  
BEING ME IS NOT REAL FUN  
'CAUSE I AM FORCED TO SING THIS SONG  
IT'S VERY HIGH  
AND QUITE LONG  
WHY CAN'T I JUST  
SHUT MY TRAP?  
'CAUSE I AM OLD  
AND NEED MY NAPS  
(yawns)  
So, c'mon, Broadway!  
LET  
ME  
SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!

**GRANTIRE'S BEER MUG:  
**(cracks from such a high note)

**ENJORLAS:  
**(jumping up)  
OMG WE ARE UNDER ATTACK EVERYONE TO YOUR POSITIONS!

**GRANTIRE:  
**No need to freak. That was just my beer mug.

**ENJORLAS:  
**…Oh.  
Well, okays, everyone. False alarm. Go back to sleep.

**NATIONAL GUARD:  
**WAKEY WAKEY, EGGS AND BAKEY!

**ENJORLAS:  
**Oh, angst.  
Battle time!  
LET US NOT WASTE LIVES  
LET ALL THE WOMEN AND FATHERS OF CHILDREN GO FROM HERE  
Ha, pshyce! Dads, you're staying. We need your manly skillz.  
Gavroche, you scatter.

**GAVROCHE:  
**But- But- What if you need me to unmask more old men in fake beards? Or what if-

**ENJORLAS:  
**(Glare o' Death)

**LESGLES:  
**(forcibilly drags Gavroche away, who is kicking and screaming)

**AUDIENCE:  
**(finds this highly amusing)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**LOL MORE CHILD ABUSE!

a/n: Just in case you all were wondering, I fixed the messed up duets in both Fantine's Death and Javert at the Barricade (Confrontation and Little Fall of Rain were all smushed together). So now they are normal again.


	24. The Second Attack

**SCENE 23: THE SECOND ATTACK**

In Which Gavroche is Super-Awesome and Everything is Lesgles fault

**ENJORLAS:  
**LET'S FIGHT!  
(another epic battle ensues, with about as much epicness as the first one)

**ENJORLAS:  
**HOW DO WE STAND  
FEUILLY, MAKE YOUR REPORT?

**FEUILLY:  
**WE'VE GUNS ENOUGH  
BUT AMMUNITION'S SHORT!

**MARIUS:  
**I WILL GO INTO THE STREETS  
LOT'S OF BODIES TO BE FOUND  
AMMUNITION TO BE HAD  
LOT'S OF BULLETS TO BE FOUND!

**ENJORLAS:  
**Marius, no! It's too risky! Let those other fools die, not you!  
YOU'RE MY FAVORITE!

**OTHER FOOLS aka EVERYONE ELSE:  
**Gee, thanks.

**VALJEAN:  
**Hey, look, I'm an old man. Which makes me invincible, so I really have nothing to fear. Because I am VALJEAN, MIGHTY MAN!  
So basically what I'm trying to say here is that I want to go pick the bullets off the dead bodies.

**GAVROCHE:  
**(poofing up out of nowhere)  
Listen. By the time you fools stop arguing, the battle will be over. So let _me_ go!

**EVERYONE:  
**(acts worried)

**NO ONE:  
**(actually tries to pull him down)

**BARRICADE:  
**(magically turns around so that Audience can see the 'French Army' which consists of TWO DEAD SOLDIERS. You'd think with all of that epic firing, the students would have at least killed ten.)

**GAVROCHE:  
**LITTLE PEOPLE KNOW  
WHEN LITTLE PEOPLE FIGHT  
WE MAY LOOK EASY PICKINGS  
BUT WE'VE GOT SOME BITE!

**GUNFIRE:  
**KABLOOM!  
(Gavroche is hit, yet can still CLIMB THE BARRICADE! Wow, he's awesome!)

**GAVROCHE:**  
SO NEVER KICK A DOG  
BECAUSE HE'S JUST A PUP-

**GUNFIRE:  
**KABLOOM!  
(And he's still climbing!)

**ENJORLAS:  
**GOSH DARN IT, GAVROCHE! DON'T WORRY ABOUT FINISHING THE FREAKIN' SONG! JUST TOSS OVER THE AMMUNITION!

**GAVROCHE:  
**(does so, but still sings because, hey. It's a great song.)  
WE'LL FIGHT LIKE TWENTY ARMIES  
AND WE WON'T GIVE UP  
SO YOU'D BETTER RUN FOR COVER  
WHEN THE PUP GROWS....

**GUNFIRE:  
**KABLOOM!

**GAVROCHE:  
**(…is dead)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**LOL MORE CHILD ABUSE-  
Oh, wait. That's not funny.

**JOLY:  
**AH, STUPID FRENCH ARMY! THE KID WAS ONLY, LIKE, NINE YEARS OLD!

**BARRICADE:  
**(swivels back around to the students)

**ENJORLAS:  
**Well, that's what he gets for not leaving when I told him to.  
(to Lesgles)  
Lesgles, you didn't do a very good job of getting rid of him, seeing as he came back. Thus, I blame you for this horrid event. Carry the dead boy offstage.

**LESGLES:  
**(does so)

**EVERYONE:  
**(is sad)

**GRANTIRE:  
**Well, on the bright side, we got more ammunition.

a/n: Just a quick thank you to all of my reviewers; you guys make me happy!


	25. The Final Battle

**SCENE 24: THE FINAL BATTLE**

In Which There is a Moment of Silence

**INVISIBLE ARMY OFFICER:  
**YOU AT THE BARRICADE LISTEN TO THIS  
THE PEOPLE OF PARIS SLEEP IN THEIR BEDS  
YOU HAVE NO CHANCE  
NO CHANCE AT ALL  
WHY THROW  
YOUR LIVES AWAY?

**ENJORLAS:  
**Again with the verbal abuse!

**INVISIBLE ARMY OFFICER:  
**Look, buddy, I'm just trying to give you some friendly advice.

**ENJORLAS:  
**NEVER!  
YOU SHAL DIE!!!!!!!!!!

**EVERYONE:  
**ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(yet the same epic battle you have seen three times now. But wait- this one's different! The French Army has magically become mighty and invincible!  
I think you can guess what the outcome will be.)

**MARIUS:  
**(is shot in the leg)  
OW! PAIN!

**ENJORLAS and GRANTIRE:  
**(rush to Marius' side; apparently he's gone unconscious)

**ENJORLAS:  
**NOOOOO! NOT MY FAVORITE!  
I WILL AVENGE YOU!  
(starts spazzing and climbing the barricade; his avenge plan capsizes as he is shot within seconds.  
And then proceeds to collapse on top of Valjean.)

**VALJEAN:  
**Ow!  
(falls unconscious)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Nice one, Enjorlas.

(Everyone else then goes berserk and start shouting 'DIE!' over and over, and wow! It comes true.  
Combferre falls off the barricade and collapses in a heap.  
Next is Joly, who just kind of slumps over.  
Then Courfeyrac and Feuilly die at the same time, as well as three random people who have just decided to wander in.  
Last to die is Grantire, who climbs to the top of the barricade and waves the red flag around for, like, 20 seconds before the French army notices him and machine guns him to death.

It was all very nicely choreographed.)

**EVERYONE:  
**(is now in a bloody pile on the ground)

**FRENCH ARMY:  
**WOOT! VICTORY!

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**I think we should now have a moment of silence for those poor students who just lost their lives in a battle against invisible soldiers and a sound effects CD.

**MOMENT OF SILENCE:  
**(happens)

a/n: Eh, not my best chapter. There's only so much funny you can shove into a 50 second death scene.

But… kudos to AmZ for noticing my spelling errors! I hope Thenardier wasn't too offended… I'll spell it right from now on!  
Come to think of it, I may actually be spelling 'Enjorlas' wrong, too… ah well.


	26. The Sewers

**SCENE 25: THE SEWERS**

In Which Thenardier Gets His Musicals Mixed Up and Rings can Talk

(The spotlight pans over the piles of dead students, making sure that the Audience Members get a good, long look at the grotesque massacre. Perhaps the completely out of place peppy version of 'Bring Him Home' playing in the background is supposed to take away the macabre-like sense of this scene.  
Well, it failed. Instead, it has the effect similar to that of a circus clown at a funeral.)

**JAVERT:  
**(has gotten Harry Potter to Apparate him to the barricades.  
He looks around at the horrific scene before him)  
Ha. Suckers.  
I wonder if Valjean is here?  
(kicks around some dead bodies.  
Come on, dude. It's not that hard. Just look around for the only Old Guy in a Clown Suit.)

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**(wait, what the heck! What is he doing here?)  
Oh, look! Dead bodies!

**JAVERT:  
**Eeeep!  
(runs away)

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**(pretending he's from Fiddler on the Roof)  
IF I WERE A RICH MAN  
YUBBA DUBBA DUBBA DUBBA  
YUBBA DUBBA DUBBA YUBBA DA  
ALL DAY LONG I'D  
YUBBA DUBBA DA  
I WERE A WEALTHY MAN…  
(loots all of the students' pockets, finding things like money, watches, and cell phones.)  
**  
MARIUS' RING:  
**Pick me, Thenardier! Oh, please pick me!

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**Hmmm… ok.  
(music suddenly changes to a really creepy tune that reminds the Audience of carousels)  
HERE'S A TASTY RING  
PRETTY LITTLE RING  
WOULDN'T WANT TO WASTE IT  
THAT WOULD REALLY BE A CRIME  
THANK YA SIR, I'M IN YOUR DEBT-  
Oh, look, an old guy!  
Must… rob…

**OLD GUY aka VALJEAN:  
**(moves)

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**Oops, you're still alive… my bad…  
Wait a minute- OMG IT'S VALJEAN!  
RUN AWAY!  
(does so)

**VALJEAN:  
**I AM MIGHTY MAN!  
(lifts up Marius onto his back and walks around in a circle while some dramatic music plays.  
Dead students suddenly LIVE and drag the barricade offstage.  
I blame rigormortis.)


	27. Javert's Suicide

**SCENE 26: JAVERT'S SUICIDE**

In Which the Authoress' Favorite Character DIES and Javert is not George Bailey

**JAVERT:  
**(comes out of hiding)

**VALJEAN:  
**(stops walking around in circles)  
IT'S YOU JAVERT  
I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T WAIT TOO LONG  
THE FAITHFUL SERVANT  
AT HIS POST ONCE MORE  
THIS MAN'S DONE NO WRONG  
AND HE NEEDS A DOCTOR'S CARE

**JAVERT:  
**I TOLD YOU I WOULD NOT GIVE IN  
I WON'T BE SWAYED

**VALJEAN:  
**ANOTHER HOUR YET  
AND THEN I'M YOURS  
AND ALL OUR DEBTS ARE PAID

**JAVERT:  
**Ok, are you kidding me? First "Oh give me three more days," now this? Forget it, Valjean.

**VALJEAN:  
**(chucking Marius to the ground)

**MARIUS:  
**Ow.

**VALJEAN:  
**LOOK DOWN, JAVERT  
HE'S STANDING IN HIS GRAVE

**JAVERT:  
**Oh, all right. That convinced me. Take him away.

**VALJEAN:  
**GIVE WAY, JAVERT-

**JAVERT:  
**Valjean. Dude. Did you not just hear what I said?

**VALJEAN:  
**THERE IS A LIFE TO SAVE-

**JAVERT:  
**VALJEAN.

**VALJEAN:  
**…what?

**JAVERT:  
**LEAVE.

**VALJEAN:  
**Oh. Right.  
(drags Marius offstage)

**JAVERT:  
**Oh ANGST!  
(a catchy tune starts up)

**VALJEAN:  
**(rushing back in)  
WHAT HAVE I DONE  
SWEET JESUS WHAT HAVE I DONE  
BECOME A THEIF IN THE NIGHT  
BECOME A DOG ON THE RUN-

**JAVERT:  
**OMG, seriously, Valjean? Must you _always_ steal the spotlight?

**VALJEAN:  
**…sorry. I just couldn't resist.  
(leaves)

**JAVERT:  
**Ahem.  
WHO IS THIS MAN  
WHAT SORT OF DEVIL IS HE  
TO HAVE ME CAUGHT IN A TRAP  
AND CHOOSE TO LET ME GO FREE-

**OLD MAN:  
**(walks in wearing a hat and coat and clutching a worn copy of Tom Sawyer)  
Excuse me!

**JAVERT:  
**...IT WAS HIS HOUR AT LAST  
TO PUT A SEAL ON MY FATE-

**OLD MAN:  
**Excuse me!

**JAVERT:  
**WHAT? What could _possibly_ be _so_ important that-

**OLD MAN:  
**Hello! My name is Clarence, and I am your guardian angel!*

**JAVERT:  
**My… my what?

**OLD MAN aka CLARENCE:  
**Your guardian angel! Now, let's take a little trip to see what the world would be like if you jumped off this here bridge-

**JAVERT:  
**(ignoring him)  
WIPE OUT THE PAST  
AND WASH ME CLEAN OFF THE SLATE-

**CLARENCE:  
**If you kill yourself, all kinds of bad things will happen.  
Mr. Potter will take over the Building and Loan, your brother will never be a war hero, and, worst of all, your wife Mary will become… will become a LIBRARIAN!

**JAVERT:  
**I have no idea what you are talking about!  
And look; you made me lose my place in the song! Argh!  
I AM THE LAW AND THE LAWR IS NOT MOCKED!**

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**The what?

**CLARENCE:  
**See, maybe _that's _your problem! People aren't out there just to make fun of you! You are overly paranoid.

**JAVERT:  
**I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU, CREEPY OLD MAN!

**CLARENCE:  
**Why, George Bailey, don't be silly! I'm Clarence, your guardian angel, and I'm just trying to get my wings-

**JAVERT:  
**Who is this George Bailey you speak of?

**CLARENCE:  
**You're- you're not George Bailey?

**JAVERT:  
**No.

**CLARENCE:  
**You aren't friends with taxi drivers named Ernie and Bert?

**JAVERT:  
**No.

**CLARENCE:  
**And you don't have Zuzu's petals?

**JAVERT:  
**Uh…no.

**CLARENCE:  
**Oops! My bad! Wrong suicide scene!  
(disappears)

**JAVERT:  
**Honestly. I might as well just skip to the end of the song now.  
(steps over cardboard sign saying "Danger; Bridge Out)  
THERE IS NO WAY TO GO ONNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!  
(jumps off the "bridge," which is actually just a raised platform. He falls backstage as an epic rendition of "Stars" plays.)

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**(running onstage)  
NOOOO!! NOT MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!  
(starts sobbing)  
WHY, JAVERT? WHY?

**TURNING GIRLS:  
**(come onstage and drag the Authoress/Director away)

**TURNING GIRL #1:  
**DID YOU SEE THEM GOING OFF TO FIGHT?

**TURNING GIRL #2:  
**CHILDREN OF THE BARRICADE THAT DIDN'T LAST THE NIGHT

**TURNING GIRL #3:  
**THEY WERE SCHOOLBOYS  
NEVER HELD A GUN  
WAITING FOR A NEW WORLD THAT WOULD RISE UP LIKE THE SUN

**TURNING GIRL #4:  
**WHERE'S THAT NEW WORLD  
NOW THE FIGHTING'S DONE?

**TURNING GIRLS:  
**(start spinning around in circles to an upbeat little tune)  
TURNING, TURNING  
TURNING ROUND AND ROUND  
I AM GETTING DIZZY  
FROM MY SPINNING ROUND AND ROUND  
LOOK AT ME  
I'M MIMING DOING CHORES  
CLEANING TABLES, SEWING CLOTHES  
AND MOPING THIS WHOLE FLOOR  
MOPPING, MOPPING, MOPPING THIS WHOLE FLOOR!

*A cookie to whoever guesses this reference  
** Funny; this is one of the most mocked lines in the entire play


	28. The Cafe Song

**SCENE 27: THE CAFÉ SONG **

In Which Marius Tries to Steal Some Stuff (Bad Marius! Bad!)

**MARIUS:  
**(who has actually been sitting there the whole time, and now has a weird bandage thing wrapped around his leg)  
Oh, I'm depressed.

**STAGE:  
**(SUDDENLY TURNS INTO THE ABC CAFÉ! WOW!!)

**MARIUS:  
**EMPTY CHAIRS AT EMPTY TABLES  
THEY WERE LEFT HERE JUST TO ROT  
MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE THEM ALL  
THAT IS BAD? NO, I THINK NOT

WHEN COSETTE AND I GET MARRIED  
WE WILL NEED SOME FURNITURE  
I'LL JUST TAKE THESE CHAIRS AND TABLES  
AND I'LL BRING THEM HOME TO HER

**FOG MACHINE:  
**(starts spazzing again)

**STUDENTS who are actually GHOSTS:  
**(enter)

**MARIUS:  
**(being oblivious, as usual)  
OH, THAT TABLE IN THE CORNER  
WILL LOOK QUITE NICE IN-

**ENJORLAS GHOST:  
**Ahem.

**MARIUS:  
**(jumps up)  
AHH! GHOSTS!!

**COMBEFERRE GHOST:  
**It's ok, Marius; it's just us.

**MARIUS:  
**Oh, ok. Phew.

**ENJORLAS GHOST:  
**But we're a little pissed that you're stealing our stuff.

**FUEILLY GHOST:  
**Yea, what are you? Thenardier?

**MARIUS:  
**But- but you don't need them anymore! You're dead, and-

**ENJOLRAS GHOST:  
**Since when has that ever stopped anybody?

**MARIUS:  
**Uh, well, always-

**ENJOLRAS GHOST:  
**Marius, Marius, Marius.  
How little you know. How little you care.

**MARIUS:  
**Hey, that reminds me! If you all are here, why aren't Eponine Ghost and Gavroche Ghost here, too?

**ENJOLRAS GHOST:  
**I- That is beside the point!  
What I'm trying to say here is that we still need this room. Including the furniture.

**MARIUS:  
**What? Why?

**COURFEYRAC GHOST:  
**Because we are planning another uprising!

**MARIUS:  
**Against what?

**JOLY GHOST:  
**The fact that they are making us wear halos and wings in Heaven.

**GRANTAIRE GHOST:  
**Let me just say that I do NOT look good in white and fluffy.

**MARIUS:  
**Well, I wish you the best of luck, guys. But you kinda need to go now, seeing as the song is ending.

**ENJOLRAS GHOST:  
**Oh, well, all right. See ya.  
(students exit in quite an epic fashion)

**MARIUS:  
**(sits down, remembering his injury)  
Oh, I'm depressed.

a/n: Well, that scene turned out to be a bit longer than I expected… ah well. I got a little carried away with the students. And I hope I spelled all their names right this time…?


	29. Marius and Cosette

**SCENE 28: MARIUS AND COSETTE**

In Which Marius Epic Fails Yet Again and Valjean Finally gets a Vacation

**COSETTE:**  
(traipses in, humming to herself)  
Oh, Marius!

**MARIUS:  
**(forgetting the fact that, yes, all of his friends are still DEAD)  
Oh, Cosette!  
…But why are you at the ABC Café?

**COSETTE:  
**I- um, that's a good question.

**STAGE:  
**(turns into… somewhere that is not the ABC Café… I don't know where they actually are right now)

**COSETTE:  
**That's better!  
EVERY DAY  
YOU WALK WITH STRONGER STEP  
YOU WALK WITH LONGER STEP  
THE WORST IS OVER!

**MARIUS:  
**EVERY DAY  
I WONDER EVERY DAY  
WHO WAS IT BROUGHT ME BACK  
FROM THE BARRICADE?

**COSETTE:  
**Marius. Honestly. No one really cares.  
More about us!  
…FOR WE WILL BE TOGETHER,  
EVERY DAY!  
EVERY DAY…  
WE'LL REMEMBER THAT NIGHT  
AND THE VOW THAT WE MADE:  
'A HEART FULL OF LOVE  
A NIGHT FULL OF YOU'  
(whispers)  
C'mon, Marius… join in whenever…  
THE WORDS ARE OLD  
BUT ALWAYS TRUE  
(whispers some more)  
Am I going to, like, sing this whole freakin' song myself?  
OH, GOD, FOR SHAME  
YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW MY NAME!

**MARIUS:  
**DEAR MAD'MOISELLE  
I WAS LOST IN YOUR SPELL…

**COSETTE:  
**…A HEART FULL OF LOVE!

**JEAN VALJEAN aka MAJOR CREEPER:  
**SHE WAS NEVER MINE TO KEEP…

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #33 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:  
**Oh, not this song again!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #34 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:  
**This show is boring!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #33 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:  
**Where's the green frog? Where's the singing pig? Where's the bear that tells the bad jokes?**  
**I WANT MY MONEY BACK!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Wait a minute, aren't you the two hecklers from The Muppet Show?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #34 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:  
**That's what we thought! But do those fools on stage look like muppets to you?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**You guys are in the wrong theater.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #33 who is sitting in THE BALCONY:  
**I- oh. Well, that would explain it.

**VALJEAN:  
**Cosette, it's time for you to leave now.

**COSETTE:  
**Ok!  
(skips off)  
Tra la la la la…

**MARIUS:  
**Oh, gosh! This is so exciting. I can call you dad, and we can do all the things together that _my_ father never did with _me_, like go ice skating, and eat cookie dough, and hold hands, and-

**VALJEAN:  
**(turning all creepy and scary)  
MARIUS!!!!

**MARIUS:  
**…eep!

**VALJEAN:  
**It's story time.  
Now, once upon a time, their lived a criminal named Jean Valjean who stole some bread. Then he was put in jail for a reallllly long time, and then became mayor! Then he basically stole a kid named Cosette, and moved to this town and raised her here.  
So WHO AM I??

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Oh not again.

**THE JEOPARDY THEME SONG:  
**(starts playing)

**MARIUS:  
**Uh…

**VALJEAN:  
**WHO AM I??

**MARIUS:  
**Hm.

**VALJEAN:  
**…WHO AM I??

**MARIUS:  
**(clutching is head)  
AH! This is too hard!!

**VALJEAN:  
**Marius. C'mon. It's actually not.

**MARIUS:  
**Are you… are you… are you Jean Valjean?

**ALEX TREBEK:  
**Ding ding ding!  
We have a winner!  
(leaves)

**VALJEAN:  
**So basically what I'm trying to say here is that I have to leave, and I want you to make up some random excuse to Cosette on why I can't come to her wedding.

**MARIUS:  
**What am I supposed to say??

**VALJEAN:  
**I don't know; use your imagination!

**MARIUS:  
**Ok. Got it.

**VALJEAN:  
**See ya kid! I've got a plane to Calais to catch!


	30. The Wedding

**SCENE 29: THE WEDDING**

In Which Marius Has to Use More Brain Power and Exciting Things Happen for Audience Member #1

**COSETTE:  
**(walks out in a wedding dress)

**MARIUS:  
**(walks out in- well, actually, it's the outfit he's been wearing the entire show)

**RANDOM GUESTS IN PRETTY OUTFITS/WIGS:  
**(also walk out)

**RANDOM GUEST #1:  
**Ah, Marius. I'm so glad to see that you've recovered from that nasty accident at the barricade.

**COSETTE:  
**He was in physical therapy for a while.

**MARIUS:  
**But they taught me a nifty little song to help me get better quicker:  
PUT ONE FOOT  
IN FRONT OF THE OTHER  
AND SOON YOU'LL BE  
WALKIN' CROSS THE FLOOOOR  
PUT ON FOOT  
IN FRONT OF THE OTHER  
AND SOON YOU'LL BE  
WALKIN' OUT THE DOOR!

**RANDOM GUEST #1:  
**How wonderful!  
(walks away)

**COSETTE:  
**Marius, dear, not to be a kill joy or anything, but where exactly did all of these people come from?  
I mean, I have really have no friends seeing as I just moved here, and, well, yours all died, sooo…

**MARIUS:  
**Yea, IDK. They all just sort of showed up.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Oh, pul-eez. You can soo tell that they are just the Barricade Boys in wigs.

**RANDOM GUEST #4 aka JOLY IN A WIG:  
**You know what? Shut up.  
Not everyone has a huge cast with people to spare.

**MAJOR DOMO:  
**THE BARON AND BARONESS DE THENARD  
WISH TO MAKE THEIR PRESENCE KNOWN TO THE GROOM

**THENARDIERS:  
**(walk in resembling… you know what, they are just so weird looking that they don't really resemble anything)

**MARIUS:  
**Ok, well I_ know_ I didn't invite them. In fact, didn't we put them on our 'Do Not Allow in Under Any Circumstances' list, Cosette?  
(looks around)  
…Cosette?

**COSETTE:  
**(is mingling with the guests and watching them attempt to dance but instead trip over their own feet)

**MARIUS:  
**All right then.

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**(to Marius)  
I FORGET  
WHERE WE MET  
WAS IT NOT AT THE CHATEAU LAFARGE  
WHERE THE DUKE  
DID THAT PUKE  
DOWN THE DUCHESS'S DE-COLL-ETAGE?

**MARIUS:  
**Thenardier, I may have my moments, but I'm not a complete idiot. Just by taking the last two syllables off your name doesn't mean I can't figure out who you are. I'm not oblivious, you know!

**MADAME THENARDIER:  
**(is stealing all of this silver off of the table while Marius is being, well, oblivious)  
We didn't just come here for the cake, Marius. My husband has something he'd like to tell you.

**MARIUS:  
**Oh, yay! Secrets!  
Do tell!

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**But first, I'd like you to cough up some cash.

**MARIUS:  
**Uh, well, here's a silver spoon.  
(grabs one off table)

**MADAME THENARDIER:  
**I've already got, like, 10 shoved up my dress.  
But thanks for the offer.

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**WHAT I SAW  
CLEAR AS LIGHT  
JEAN VALJEAN IN THE SEWERS THAT NIGHT  
HAD THIS CORPSE  
ON HIS BACK  
HANGING THERE LIKE A BLOODY GREAT SACK  
I WAS THERE  
NEVER FEAR  
EVEN FOUND ME THIS FINE SOUVENIR  
(pulls out ring)

**MARIUS:  
**Oh, that is just beautiful! And- HEY WAIT! THAT'S MINE!

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**Oh dear goodness, I do apologize.

**MARIUS:  
**Whoa! Revelation!  
Valjean was the one who saved me from the sewers!  
But _you_ stole my ring!  
Why would you even do a thing like that? I mean, I had to eat, like, 50 freakin' boxes of Cracker Jacks to get that thing.

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**Listen, Marius, I swear! It was calling me! It literally went, 'Oh, please, Thenardier! Please pick me!'

**MARIUS:  
**HA likely story!  
COPS! COME ARREST THIS MAN FOR STEALING!

**A COP:  
**I'm sorry, we've kind of lost our will to work after our idol threw himself off a bridge.

**MARIUS:  
**Well, then it looks like I'll just have to take care of this myself.  
Take THAT!  
(punches Thenardier)

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**(falls over)  
WHAT THE HECK, SPAZZ?

**MADAME THENARDIER:  
**(decides to randomly fall over, too)

**COSETTE:  
**Marius, could you PLEASE refrain from injuring our guests? Now come along.  
(they exit)

**ALL THE SILVER:  
**(falls out of Madame Thenardier's dress)

**MADAME THENARDIER:  
**Oh snap.

**MASTER THENARDIER:  
**OH my GOODNESS, this is just atrocious. You thief.

**MADAME THENARDIER:  
**I hate you.

**RANDOM GUESTS:  
**Well, uh, our hosts kinda left… so I guess we should, like, start dancing again…  
(do so)

**RANDOM GUEST #5:  
**Why does this seem to happen at every wedding I go to?

**THENARDIERS:  
**(start dancing to the tune of 'Master of the House')  
EVERYBODY DIED  
AND YET WE'RE STILL ALIVE  
HA HA HA HA HA  
HA HA HA HA HA HA

**RANDOM GUESTS:  
**(leave one by one)

**THENARDIERS:  
**Ah, party crashing is so much fun!  
(exit)

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #93:  
**Audience Member #1, if we ever get married, I want our wedding to be like that.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Are you asking me out?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #93:  
**Uh, well-

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**I accept!

**COSETTE and MARIUS:  
**(run back onstage)

**COSETTE:  
**Whoa, wait. I just realized something. How come my dad wasn't present throughout, like, any of this?

**MARIUS:  
**(clears throat)  
Ahem. All right.  
'I don't know; use your imagination!'  
(smiles triumphantly)

**COSETTE:  
**…what?

**MARIUS:  
**That's what your dad told me to tell you.

**COSETTE:  
**Um, why?

**MARIUS:  
**Because he needed me to give you an excuse on why he can't be here. He's actually off vacationing in Calais right now or something.

**COSETTE:  
**WHAT?!

**MARIUS:  
**Yea, I know; I kinda wish he would've taken me.

**COSETTE:  
**Marius, we have to go get him!  
(they exit)


	31. Epilogue

**SCENE 30: EPILOGUE**

In Which Valjean _Finally _Gets to Sleep

**VALJEAN:  
**GOD ON HIGH  
HEAR MY PRAYER  
I'M STILL AWAKE  
IT'S NOT FAIR  
I HAVEN'T SLEPT  
NOT EVEN IN  
SCENE 22  
DON'T YOU CARE?  
LET ME SLEEP  
LET ME SLEEP!

**FANTINE GHOST:  
**Hey you.*

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**WHOA I think I missed something…

**VALJEAN:  
**OMIGOSH, Fantine is back from the dead to haunt me.  
It's about that puzzle I never returned, isn't it. Look, I was GOING to, but there are just so many pieces, and by the time I had finished it you were, well, dead, so I gave it to Thenardier because he collects them and I made a bargain with him that I would give it to him if he stopped stalking me and-

**FANTINE GHOST:  
**No, Valjean. That's not why I'm here.

**VALJEAN:  
**…then have you come to take me on a journey through past, present and future to show me all I've done wrong so that Tiny Tim can live?

**FANTINE GHOST:  
**Uh, no.

**VALJEAN:  
**Well then, spit it out already!

**FANTINE GHOST:  
**I've- well, I've really only come to say that I'm glad you took care of Cosette.

**VALJEAN:  
**Well that was rather anti-climatic.

**FANTINE GHOST:  
**Oh, yea, and I'm sorry, I almost forgot!  
I've also come to escort you off to Heaven.

**VALJEAN:  
**Well… then…

**FANTINE GHOST:  
**I'm like the Grim Reaper, but in a white dress.

**COSETTE and MARIUS:  
**(come running in)

**VALJEAN:  
**OH MY FREAKIN' GOSH, ARE YOU SERIOUS.

**SIRIUS BLACK:  
**No, that'd be me.

**COSETTE:  
**Papa, why didn't you come to my wedding??

**VALJEAN:  
**Because I'm trying to DIE here.  
Marius, I thought I told you to take care of this.

**MARIUS:  
**I tried! But she was all like "Whaaat? Calaaaaais? Whyyyyy?"

**COSETTE:  
**(slaps Marius)  
I do not talk like that.

**VALJEAN:  
**Well, thank God I've lived to see the day that I was forgiven!

**COSETTE:  
**…what?

**VALJEAN:  
**I don't really know.

**MARIUS:  
**I believe some thanks are in order!  
COSETTE, YOUR FATHER IS A SAINT  
WHEN THEY WOUNDED ME  
HE BROUGHT ME FROM THE BARRICADE  
CARRIED LIKE A BABE  
AND BROUGHT ME HOME  
TO YOU…

**VALJEAN:  
**Well, shucks!  
Marius, I forgive you for blabbing.

**MARIUS:  
**Speaking of, why aren't you in Calais?

**VALJEAN:  
**I felt sudden urge to die.

**COSETTE:  
**YOU WILL LIVE  
PAPA, YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE  
IT'S TOO SOON  
TOO SOON TO SAY GOODBYE!

**VALJEAN:  
**YES COSETTE  
FORBID ME NOW TO DIE  
I'LL OBEY…  
I WILL TRY…  
(dies)

**COSETTE:  
**...  
YOU DIDN'T TRY VERY HARD!!!  
(bursts into tears)

**VALJEAN:  
**(comes back to life)  
Stay gold, Ponyboy… stay… gold…  
(dies)

**COSETTE:  
**I- uh, ok.

**FANTINE GHOST:  
**C'mon, Valjean. Let's go.

**VALJEAN GHOST:  
**Yes, and forgive me all my trespasses. I think I have, like, two.

**EPONINE GHOST:  
**(coming onstage)  
TAKE MY HAND  
AND LEAD ME TO SALVATION  
TAKE MY LOVE  
FOR LOVE IS EVERLASTING

**MARIUS:  
**My God, woman. Give up.

**GHOST VALJEAN, FANTINE, and EPONINE:  
**AND REMEMBER  
THE TRUTH THAT ONCE WAS SPOKEN  
TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS TO SEE THE FACE OF  
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD…..

**RANDOM VOICES coming from OFFSTAGE:  
**(whispering)  
DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING  
LOST IN THE VALLEY OF THE NIGHT-

**RANDOM VOICE #1:  
**Those aren't the words.

**RANDOM VOICE #2:  
**Ok, look. Who wrote the song?

**RANDOM VOICE #1:  
**Schonberg, Boubil, and Kretzmer?

**RANDOM VOICE #2:  
**…no. Wrong. I don't even know who those people are.  
Now, who wrote the song?

**RANDOM VOICE #1:  
**(exasperated sigh)  
You, Enjolras…

**RANDOM VOICE #2:  
**Right. Which means that I can change the freakin' lyrics whenever I want!

**THE ENTIRE CAST:  
**(starts walking onstage)

**MARIUS:  
**AH GHOSTS!!!!

**THE ENTIRE CAST:  
**(still whispering)  
FOR THE WRETCHED OF THE EARTH  
THERE IS A FLAME THAT NEVER DIES  
EVEN THE DARKEST NIGHT WILL END  
AND THE SUN WILL RISE!

**VALJEAN GHOST:  
**Louder! I can't hear you!

**THE ENTIRE CAST:  
**(louder)  
THEY WILL LIVE AGAIN IN FREEDOM  
IN THE GARDEN OF THE LORD  
THEY WILL WALK BEHIND THE PLOW SHARE  
THEY WILL PUT AWAY THE SWORD…

**VALJEAN GHOST:  
**Louder!

**THE ENTIRE CAST:  
**(yelling)  
THE CHAIN WILL BE BROKEN  
AND ALL MEN WILL HAVE THEIR REWARD!

**COSETTE:  
**(whispering to Marius)  
Who are all these people?

**THE ENTIRE CAST including  
****MEG GIRY, DONALD TRUMP, ALEX TREBEK, CLARENCE, and SIRIUS BLACK:  
**(start marching again and looking like idiots)  
WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR CRUSADE  
WHO WILL BE STRONG AND STAND WITH ME  
SOMEWHERE BEYOND THE BARRICADE  
IS THERE A WORLD YOU LONG TO SEE  
DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?  
SAY DO YOU HEAR THE DISTANT DRUMS?  
IT IS THE FUTURE THAT THEY BRING  
WHEN TOMORROW COMES

WILL YOU JOIN IN OUR CRUSADE  
WHO WILL BE STRONG AND STAND WITH ME  
SOMEWHERE BEYOND THE BARRICADE  
IS THERE A WORLD YOU LONG TO SEE  
DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?  
SAY DO YOU HEAR THE DISTANT DRUMS?  
IT IS THE FUTURE THAT THEY BRING  
WHEN TOMORROW COMES

AHHHHHHH  
AHHHHHHH  
AHHHHHHH

TOMORROW  
COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMES!!!!

**BLACKOUT**

*Voldemort, _A Very Potter Musical._


	32. Curtain Call

**CURTAIN CALL:**

In Which it is Time to End the Play and Acknowledgements are Made

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**All right, everybody, I'd like you all to give a round of applause for the actors and such.

**THERE IS:  
**(a round of applause)

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**ALL RIGHT now moving on!  
(to the Audience)  
Thank you for all coming out tonight to see my wonderful production of It's Quite Miserable!

**AUDIENCE:  
**(lots of clappter)

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**Soooo, just to see how much you all learned today, I'm going to ask you a very simple question:  
WHAT WAS THE MORAL OF THIS PLAY?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #3:  
**French people are magic!

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**What? No.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #3:  
**But they kept popping up out of nowhere and stuff-

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**No. Wrong.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #8:  
**Royalists are pigs.

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**Uh, no.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**There's no day but today!

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**No, that's the moral of 'Rent.'

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**A person's a person, no matter how small!

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**That's the moral of 'Seussical'!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**You know what, they are basically the same thing!

**AUTHORESS/DIRECTOR:  
**No they're not!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #4:  
**You can drown all your problems with alcohol?

**AUTHORESS/DRIECTOR:  
**No.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #93:  
**Suicide is sometimes OK?

**AUTHORESS/DRIECTOR:  
**No!

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #10:  
**Make prostitution your fallback?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #15:  
**If you're corrupt, you're hilarious?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #6:  
**Stealing things from religious figures will get you far in life?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #20:  
**Don't trust employee's who have mail?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #77:  
**If you're feeling rather oppressed lately, stage a revolution…

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #78:  
**…But try not to get shot?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #96:  
**Saving people from runaway carts will just end up causing more trouble for you?

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Rain will make the flowers grow?

**AUTHORESS/DRIECTOR:  
**(tearing out her beautiful locks at such idiocy)  
WRONG! ALL OF YOU!

**RANDOM LITTLE KID:  
**It's TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD!

**AUDIENCE:  
**(awed silence)

**AUTHORESS/DRIECTOR:  
**Well, uh.. I was thinking something more along the lines of "The Orange Radish writes some pretty awesome fanfics, and I will forever remain a loyal reader/reviewer to them," but that works, too.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**Alright, so, like, can we go now?

**AUTHORESS/DRIECTOR:  
**If you must. Refreshments are right outside those doors-

**STAMPEDE OF PEOPLE:  
**(charge towards Those Doors)

**AUTHORESS/DRIECTOR:  
**Alright then.

**AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  
**...  
THE END!!!

~~~~~~~~  
**a/n: It's finally over! How sad. **

**I would like to thank all of my reviewers; you guys wrote some very funny and flattering things! Thank you so much!**

**And know, for the acknowledgements:**

Les Miserables, the novel: Victor Hugo  
Les Miserables, the musical: Schonberg, Boubil, and Kretzmer  
Meg Giry, Christine, and Raoul: 'The Phantom of the Opera' by Gaston Leroux  
Scene 1 'I've got a Golden Ticket' song: 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' movie by Newley and Bricusse  
Donald Trump: ...himself?  
Scene 8 'Money Money Money' song: ABBA  
Scene 13 'Silver and Gold' song: Johnny Marks, used in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' movie by Rankin-Bass  
Scene 13 'Spartans': from the movie '300'  
The Terminator: the Governor of California!  
Harry Potter and Sirius Black: 'Harry Potter' series by J.K. Rowling  
Scene 25 'If I Was a Rich Man' song: 'Fiddler on the Roof' by Bock and Harnick  
Clarence: 'It's a Wonderful Life' by Frank Capra  
Scene 28 Audience Members 33 and 34: Statler and Waldorf from 'The Muppet Show' by Jim Henson  
Scene 28 '...like go ice skating etc.': adapted from the movie 'Elf'  
Alex Trebek: ...himself?  
Scene 28 'Jeopardy!' theme song: Well, the show 'Jeopardy!' I guess.  
Scene 29 'Put One Foot in Front of the Other' song: from Rankin-Bass's 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' movie  
Scene 30 'Hey you' quote: A Very Potter Musical by StarKidPotter; can be found on youtube (very very very very very funny)  
Scene 30 'Stay gold' quote: from 'The Outsiders' by S.E. Hinton

All parody lyrics were written by The Orange Radish.

**  
I would like to thank my best friend for letting me model Audience Members after her and other certain people.**

**And those credits were done mainly out of sheer boredom.**


End file.
